EUGENE, OR — Local part-time kombucha brewer Jasper Willow-Breeze experienced what experts are calling “acute textual trauma” this week after skimming a pocket Constitution and discovering the Second Amendment is still in there.
“I thought we deleted that back in like, the 90s,” said Willow-Breeze, who was halfway through a self-guided enlightenment retreat when the incident occurred. “I was just flipping through for some free speech quotes to use on my protest sign, and bam—‘the right to bear arms.’ It felt like a hate crime.”
Sources confirm that upon making the discovery, Willow-Breeze immediately phoned his city council representative, his Reiki therapist, and a vegan attorney specializing in constitutional feelings.
“This is deeply triggering,” he continued, clutching a fair-trade hemp blanket. “The idea that Americans can still own guns legally—like, actual scary pew-pews—is horrifying. I thought that was just a Texas thing.”
Local law professors were called in to explain that yes, the Second Amendment is indeed part of the Bill of Rights and has not been struck down by good vibes alone.
Meanwhile, residents across the state—particularly in rural areas—responded with polite confusion. “Yeah, I’ve got a few rifles,” said one Oregonian in Grants Pass. “Mostly for elk hunting. Is that a problem?”
In related news, Willow-Breeze has launched a petition demanding the Constitution be rewritten exclusively in interpretive dance to “make it more accessible and less aggressive.”
More updates as feelings develop.
