City Says 9 Bodies in Willamette River Is “Totally Chill, Bro,” Urges Public to Not Stare, It’s Weird

by | May 7, 2025 | Humor, Satire

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PORTLAND, OR — May 7, 2025 — In response to the ninth human body surfacing in the Willamette River this spring, Portland officials held a casual press conference Monday to assure the public that “everything’s totally chill, bro,” and to gently remind residents to “maybe not stare — it’s kind of a vibe killer.”

“This is a classic case of river doing river things,” Lt. Rick Graves of Portland Fire & Rescue, exhaling slowly. “Look, nature’s messy. Sometimes it’s a fish, sometimes it’s a shoe, sometimes it’s a guy. Either way, no need to harsh the collective mellow.”

Officials emphasized that the sudden spike in visible bodies isn’t necessarily alarming — just “seasonal.”

“Spring is when the river likes to share,” said a Multnomah County spokesperson. “Most of the year she keeps secrets. But when the sun comes out and the water shifts? Boom. She opens up like a moody ex.”

The city has issued a new set of river guidelines under the campaign “Be Cool, Don’t Stare.” The flyer includes friendly advice like:

  • “Bodies happen.”
  • “Let it float — emotionally and physically.”
  • “Just keep paddling.”

Locals are encouraged to enjoy outdoor activities as usual, but with a strong commitment to what officials call “passive awareness.”

“It’s not that we don’t want people to care,” said the mayor’s communications director. “We just want them to care in a chill, non-eye-contact kind of way. Like when you see your ex at the farmers market.”

Despite the rising number of bodies, no policy changes have been announced. City leaders insist the river is “still totally usable for paddleboarding, kayaking, and light emotional suppression.”

Meanwhile, some residents have embraced the normalization effort. A riverside café has launched a new drink called The Bobber, and local tour groups are now offering “Willamette Mystery Cruises,” which come with a waiver and a blindfold option.

Asked if nine bodies was something to worry about, one official replied, “Only if you make it weird.”

At press time, officials encouraged residents to keep enjoying the outdoors — just maybe don’t swim with your eyes open.


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Written By Tyler James

Tyler James, founder of That Oregon Life, is a true Oregon native whose love for his state runs deep. Since the inception of the blog in 2013, his unbridled passion for outdoor adventures and the natural beauty of Oregon has been the cornerstone of his work. As a father to two beautiful children, Tyler is always in pursuit of new experiences to enrich his family’s life. He curates content that not only reflects his adventures but also encourages others to set out and create precious memories in the majestic landscapes of Oregon. Tyler's vision and guidance are integral to his role as publisher and editor, shaping the blog into a source of inspiration for exploring the wonders of Oregon.

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