BEND, ORE— A newly published study from the Oregon Culinary Arts & Beverage Institute has revealed that the highest-rated coffee in the state is consistently brewed by baristas who share three key characteristics: a prominent nose ring, at least 12 self-identified pronouns, and an unwavering refusal to make direct eye contact with customers.
The comprehensive study, which surveyed over 3,000 Oregon coffee drinkers across 27 cities, found that Bend residents repeatedly rated their coffee experiences highest at cafés employing what researchers call “the Portland Barista Archetype.” These baristas, described as non-binary, emotionally distant, and lightly tattooed, were overwhelmingly praised for producing what testers called “transcendent” lattes and “deeply existential” cold brew.
“Our data shows a statistically significant correlation between superior coffee quality and baristas who mumble your name, scowl at your reusable cup, and quietly update their pronouns mid-shift,” said lead researcher Dr. Hayden Freer. “There is something about the brooding disinterest and quiet judgment that just enhances the flavor.”
Bend cafés like The Grizzly Commune and Espresso Reclamation Zone topped the charts, especially those that offer oat milk by default and charge emotional reparations for dairy. Patrons interviewed at one establishment described the experience as “deliciously awkward” and “absolutely worth being misgendered twice.”
One customer, local tech consultant Eric Langford, described his most recent visit as “a spiritual moment.”
“I was handed a cortado by someone who never acknowledged I existed, and I honestly haven’t stopped thinking about it since,” Langford said. “I tipped 40% out of fear and admiration.”
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Researchers say they are now launching a follow-up study to determine whether the number of enamel pins on a barista’s apron directly influences espresso consistency. Early indicators suggest a strong link.
