EUGENE, OR — Local residents were comforted Sunday morning after officials confirmed that the sketchy man pedaling a squeaky mountain bike in a sagging jacket and backwards cap—while hollering at a tree about "leaf surveillance"—was “almost definitely just trying to beat Grandma to church.”
Witnesses reported seeing the man—identified only as "Blade"—zigzagging down the sidewalk with a crumpled Fred Meyer bag flapping from his handlebars and a wild sense of purpose. Concerned pedestrians initially kept their distance until he shouted something about missing the “potluck window.”
“You can tell he’s a family guy,” said nearby resident Carla Jennings. “He even smiled wide at a mailbox before yelling ‘Nana’s waitin’!’ and nearly crashing into a hedge.”
According to local authorities, Blade is a frequent churchgoer, or at least a frequent presence near church property. Police say his Sunday routine typically includes animated conversations with shrubbery, hollering scripture-adjacent phrases, and narrowly avoiding small dogs—all done with the urgency of someone deeply committed to fellowship and/or chaos.
Later in the morning, Blade could be seen swerving in and out of traffic near 13th and Willamette, gesturing at passing cars and singing what witnesses believe was an off-key rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.”
“He’s clearly a man on a mission,” said Officer Dave Tuttle, who has responded to Blade-related incidents 14 times this year. “That mission just happens to involve dodging invisible traffic while yelling about communion crackers.”
Church leaders at First United Method-istical Non-Denominational Free Grace Something Church released a brief statement confirming that Blade is “not officially on the member roster,” but “he did once help carry folding chairs.”
Meanwhile, Grandma was unavailable for comment, as she had already arrived at church and was calmly knitting through a sermon on forgiveness.
