PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in a local community Slack channel today after a Portland man reportedly became deeply offended by the headline of an article that hadn’t even been written yet.
Sources confirm that 32-year-old River Moss-Fernwood (they/them), who identifies as post-geographic and spiritually nomadic, was outraged after reading the headline: “BREAKING: Portland Resident Offended by This Headline and Also the Word ‘Resident.’”
“I don’t identify with the colonial concept of residency,” said Moss-Fernwood, sipping a lavender-oat kombucha in a hammock installed between two artisan bike racks. “The word ‘resident’ implies borders, permanence, and acknowledgment of a municipal address — which is basically violence.”
Friends say River had just recovered from an earlier trauma involving a sign that said "Men Working" before encountering the headline in question. “They were already raw from the gendered signage,” said close friend Indigo Chrysanthemum, “and then this? We need better headline trigger warnings. I mean, are we not a society?”
The article, originally published by Oregon-based satire outlet That Oregon Life, was intended as a lighthearted jab at the city's rising Offense Olympics — but quickly spiraled into a full-blown thinkpiece war on X (formerly Twitter), Mastodon, and a now-defunct Reddit thread that was deleted for "emotional endangerment."
The city has responded swiftly. As of 2 p.m. today, Mayor Chanterelle Sky-Falcon issued an executive order banning the use of the word resident in all official city communications. It will be replaced with the more inclusive term “temporary soul-being engaging in localized Earth experience.”
Additionally, local newspapers have announced a pilot program allowing readers to pre-offend themselves by subscribing to a daily digest of upsetting keywords.
Moss-Fernwood says they will be pursuing reparations in the form of an organic CSA subscription, 3 months of free therapy via interpretive dance, and a public apology delivered in ASL, Morse code, and semaphore.
At press time, they were last seen writing an open letter titled “Why the Word ‘Portland’ Is Also Problematic,” which That Oregon Life has preemptively agreed not to headline.
