In a baffling but somehow deeply Oregonian development, state officials have confirmed that the recently vacated site of Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach has now been filled with the Oregon Pioneer—better known as the Gold Man from atop the Oregon State Capitol.
The swap, carried out under cover of dense coastal fog and complete bureaucratic silence, has left residents of Salem stunned and their Capitol building awkwardly nude.
“It’s drafty,” said one unnamed legislative aide. “We didn’t even get a heads-up. One day we had an iconic statue, the next day it was just… gold-man-shaped sadness.”
From Rock to Rock Star
Cannon Beach locals, still adjusting to life without their 18,000-ton coastal centerpiece, awoke to find the gleaming golden figure standing heroically where Haystack Rock once loomed.
“He’s got presence,” said local barista Kylie Jensen, squinting at the radiant figure reflecting the morning sun. “Sure, we miss the rock. But the Gold Man? He’s got big monolith energy. Plus, no seagulls have pooped on him yet, so that’s already an improvement.”
The statue, who once stoically stood atop the Capitol with a confident hand on his axe, now peers thoughtfully over the waves, as if pondering whether to pioneer into the surf.
Meanwhile in Salem: Confusion and Grief
Back in the state’s capital, residents are grappling with the emotional and architectural void.
“It looks like the dome forgot its hat,” said longtime Salem resident Loretta Gaines. “I don’t know how to explain it to my grandchildren. They think someone stole a golden Roblox character.”
Tourists have begun reporting the “vibe” of the Capitol building feels “off,” while local pigeons are reportedly in open revolt, having lost their favorite perch.
Governor Tina Kotek offered a statement at a hastily assembled press conference:
“We simply felt the Gold Man deserved to stretch his legs. He’s spent nearly a century up there without a break. Cannon Beach gives him room to shine—literally and metaphorically.”
The governor also promised that a temporary hat-shaped tarp would be installed on the Capitol dome “to reduce emotional whiplash.”
The Puffins Remain Displaced
With Haystack Rock’s departure still fresh, the puffins who once called it home remain distraught.
“We tried perching on his head,” said puffin spokesperson Percival P. Puffin. “But it’s slippery, and his expression lacks empathy. We’re birds of nuance. He is not.”
A proposal to build a miniature puffin condo on the Gold Man’s shoulder is pending approval from Oregon’s Department of Wildlife and Whimsy.
Who Paid for This?
As with the original Haystack Rock relocation to Central Oregon (now awkwardly wedged beside Smith Rock), funding details remain murky.
Insiders claim the move was made possible through a combination of state tourism funds, NFT sales of the Gold Man's left boot, and a mysterious grant labeled only “Innovative Landscape Solutions Initiative (Totally Real).”
A spokesperson hinted at future sponsorships: “We’re in talks with REI and LaCroix. Picture this: Gold Man x Sparkling Water.”
Coastal Response: Mixed But Sparkly
Despite the controversy, many at the coast have quickly embraced their new resident.
Children are posing with him, dogs are barking at him, and one tourist reportedly got engaged in front of him while claiming it was “symbolic of commitment and manifest destiny.”
Beach vendors have already begun selling Gold Man t-shirts, mugs, and commemorative sunburn balm.
“I just hope we don’t lose him to rust,” said Cannon Beach local Tammy Lin. “Or worse—TikTok challenges.”
Final Thoughts
Whether it's a monolith or a monument, Oregon seems determined to keep things interesting. And while Salem mourns its missing man, Cannon Beach now basks in golden glory.
Disclaimer: No, Oregon has not actually moved the Gold Man to the beach. Yes, the Capitol dome is still intact—though we agree it would be funnier if it weren’t. Please do not drive to Cannon Beach with a selfie stick looking for him. But hey, if someone did put a giant statue on the coast… we wouldn’t be mad.
