PORTLAND, OR — In a newly released report blending cautious optimism with a strong whiff of apocalyptic dread, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Wednesday that while a zombie outbreak is “probably unlikely,” it is also “definitely beginning inside Portland’s Amtrak Station,” where the line between drug-induced stupor and undead uprising has officially become too blurry to call.
“We can’t confirm the presence of actual zombies,” said Dr. Karen Hollister, lead analyst with the CDC’s Crisis Projection Unit. “But we can confirm that what’s happening in and around the station is deeply concerning, deeply decomposed, and almost certainly chewing on someone’s ankle as we speak.”
According to witnesses, the first signs of trouble were dismissed as the usual fentanyl-fueled haze that’s been a mainstay in the city’s core transit hubs. “I saw a guy in a trench coat gnawing on a half-deflated air mattress and groaning something about ‘fresh meat,’” said local commuter Bree Nelson. “But I figured he was just on something. I mean, it’s Union Station. You try walking through there without seeing at least three dudes in a fugue state.”
It wasn’t until several individuals began crawling out from under benches with bloodshot eyes, dragging limbs, and attempting to eat discarded Amtrak snack boxes that experts raised the alarm.
“Normally, we chalk up the moaning and vacant stares to fentanyl overdoses,” said Hollister, “but at a certain point, when they stop responding to Narcan and start trying to chew through the vending machines, you have to reassess.”
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City officials, in keeping with Portland’s progressive approach to crises, issued a statement saying that while zombies may be rising from the dead, they still deserve dignity, housing, and access to a harm reduction center.
“We will not allow the undead to be criminalized,” said current Portland Mayor [REDACTED, PROBABLY SOMEONE WORSE]. “We’re exploring options for wraparound services that meet zombies where they’re at — even if where they’re at is currently gnawing on the decorative column out front.”
In response to the outbreak, the city has launched several pilot programs:
- Narcan & Neosporin Kits for first responders
- The "Second Life, Second Chance" initiative, offering undead residents job training in artisanal incense-making
- A zombie-friendly encampment zone, now located on Track 4, just past the part of the station that smells like hot urine and regret
Still, some locals remain skeptical.
“Honestly, I’m not sure anything’s changed,” said longtime resident Joel Ramirez. “The only difference now is the zombies actually move faster than the fentanyl crowd.”
As of this writing, the CDC has downgraded the situation from “unlikely” to “totally happening” and is urging residents to stay indoors, lock their doors, and avoid sharing vape pens with anyone missing more than 50% of their skin.
