HEAVEN—After years of patience, countless warnings, and multiple disasters that somehow still weren’t enough to inspire change, sources close to the Almighty confirm that God is now “heavily considering” giving California a gentle push into the Pacific by 2030.
“I mean, I gave them everything,” God said in an exclusive interview, shaking His head. “Stunning coastline, towering redwoods, perfect weather… and look what they did with it. It’s like handing someone a Lamborghini and watching them drive it straight into a Walmart parking lot to sleep in it because rent is $4,000 a month for a closet.”
Once a beacon of opportunity and innovation, California has steadily morphed into a chaotic fever dream where billionaires sip oat milk lattes in multimillion-dollar mansions while working-class families hold down two full-time jobs just to afford a parking spot. Once-thriving cities are now overrun with crime, tent encampments, and self-important tech bros whose only real skill is monetizing human misery.
“Back in the day, people dreamed of moving to California to build a life,” God continued. “Now, the dream is getting through L.A. traffic without losing your will to live. Seriously, I smote entire cities in the Old Testament for less.”
Governor Gavin Newsom, whose tenure has coincided with an exodus of frustrated residents, was reportedly caught off guard by the celestial threat. “We hear God’s concerns, and we’re forming a blue-ribbon commission to look into the issue over the next 12 years,” Newsom stated while adjusting his perfectly styled hair. “Also, we’re introducing a new tax on businesses that make more than $50 a year to fund a billboard campaign reminding people to ‘Stay and Struggle.’”
God was unimpressed.
“I gave you forests; you burned them down. I gave you Silicon Valley; you turned it into a surveillance state. I gave you Hollywood; you let it become a festering pit of CGI slop and self-congratulation. And don’t even get Me started on Disneyland,” He said, rolling His eyes. “Seventy-five bucks for a churro and a ride on a boat with plastic pirates? You people deserve to be humbled.”
Oregonians, long subjected to an influx of Californians fleeing the policies they voted for, responded to the news with cautious optimism. “Look, we’re all for helping our neighbors,” said Eugene resident Tyler Mitchell, “but at a certain point, you gotta ask: Why do they keep screwing it up everywhere they go? Maybe a fresh start on the ocean floor wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
Despite divine frustration, God has not yet committed to the push. “I’m still deciding,” He admitted. “But let’s just say if Newsom announces another $50 billion high-speed rail project that never gets built, or if another working-class family is told they need to ‘just work harder’ to afford a one-bedroom shack in Oakland, I might have to make a move.”
Meanwhile, Californians braced for impact, with some preparing elaborate Twitter threads about why they deserve to remain afloat. Others, perhaps sensing the inevitable, were already drafting migration plans. “Maybe we’ll head to Texas,” one L.A. transplant mused. “I hear Austin is the new San Francisco.”
God sighed. “Texas, if you’re listening… be careful.”
