In a heartwarming display of corporate compassion, local work-from-home boss Greg Daniels—cozy in his flannel pajama pants—has reassured his employees that the roads “aren’t that bad,” despite a winter storm dumping over six feet of snow overnight, transforming the streets into a sheet of ice and shutting down half the county.
“I totally get it,” said Daniels, sipping his second cup of freshly brewed pour-over coffee from the warmth of his home office. “Safety is our number one priority here. That’s why I strongly recommend everyone leave a little earlier this morning to account for any minor delays—just to be safe, of course.”
Daniels, whose biggest challenge this morning was choosing which pajama pants to wear, expressed bewilderment at employees’ concerns about hazardous road conditions. “I just checked a traffic cam online, and I saw one car moving, so it can’t be that bad. Plus, I read somewhere that ice is only slippery if you think it is.”
Meanwhile, employees attempting to make it to the office reported vastly different experiences. “I couldn’t even find my car, let alone drive it,” said Mark Patterson, who spent an hour chipping through ice only to realize he was actually de-icing his neighbor’s Honda. “But when I texted Greg about staying home, he just replied, ‘You got this!’”
Traffic reports described the roads as “impassable,” “a skating rink from hell,” and “basically Narnia,” but Daniels remained undeterred. “Look, I’m not saying you have to come in, but just know that Karen from Accounting made it just fine,” he added, failing to mention that Karen lives in the building next door to the office and walked over in ice cleats.
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Employees were also encouraged to consider “alternate methods of transportation” to navigate the frozen death trap known as the morning commute. Suggestions included “maybe taking a sled,” “hitching a ride with a snowplow,” or “just walking—good for the lungs!”
When asked whether he would be making the trip to the office himself, Daniels sighed heavily. “I wish I could, but the WiFi at home is just too good to pass up. Besides, if I left now, I’d probably only get as far as my driveway before becoming an ice sculpture.”
At press time, Daniels was seen posting a company-wide memo reminding employees that any absences would require a doctor’s note, and that “frozen roads” were not an acceptable excuse for missing work.
