Portland is taking bold steps to curb downtown drug use with a groundbreaking initiative that’s sure to shake things up—or at least leave residents humming a few regrettable tunes. The city has officially announced plans to blast Nickelback's Greatest Hits on repeat throughout downtown streets in an attempt to deter meth heads from hanging around. Early tests of the program, which the city is calling "Operation Look at This Photograph," have already shown promising results, as drug users reportedly fled within minutes of the opening chords of "How You Remind Me."
“We’ve tried everything else—outreach programs, additional patrols, even water-filled barriers—and nothing stuck,” said a spokesperson for the city. “Then one day, someone in a meeting joked, ‘What if we just made downtown unlivable?’ That’s when it hit us: Nickelback.”
Portland officials believe that the constant loop of Chad Kroeger’s unmistakable voice echoing through the streets will not only disrupt drug use but also provide a cost-effective solution. "It's loud, it's persistent, and frankly, it makes you question your life choices. What better way to make someone reconsider their actions?" the spokesperson explained.
While some residents have voiced concerns about the new policy, city leaders insist it’s all for the greater good. “If you don’t like it, just don’t go downtown,” said the mayor. “Honestly, that’s kind of the point.”
Meanwhile, local businesses are seeing mixed reactions. One downtown coffee shop owner reported that customers were initially confused when “Photograph” started blaring through the speakers at 8 a.m. “I thought it was some sort of prank,” she said. “But then I realized I hadn’t seen a single meth pipe all morning, so... maybe it’s working?”
Not everyone is thrilled, however. Some downtown residents are calling the initiative cruel and unusual punishment, with one man describing the continuous music as “worse than the actual drug problem.” Others have argued that meth users could simply buy noise-canceling headphones and carry on as usual, but city officials remain optimistic. “The beauty of this plan is its scalability,” the spokesperson said. “If Nickelback isn’t enough, we’ll escalate to Creed.”
The meth community is reportedly in turmoil over the new deterrent. Local sources claim that several users have already left Portland entirely, with one stating, “I can’t get high when all I hear is ‘Far away, far away for far too long.’ It’s messing with my vibe.” Others have started petitioning for the city to consider a compromise, such as switching to Matchbox Twenty or even Smash Mouth, which they describe as “less oppressive.”
City officials, however, are not backing down. In fact, they’re doubling down on the approach, with plans to install additional speakers on public transportation and in parks. Rumors have even surfaced of an experimental playlist featuring nothing but Nickelback’s Dark Horse album and an unreleased 45-minute acoustic version of “Rockstar.”
As Portland braces for the full rollout of the program, the city remains hopeful that it will have a lasting impact. “We’re sending a message, loud and clear,” said the mayor. “You can do drugs, or you can listen to Nickelback. But you can’t do both.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and is not intended to be taken seriously. Portland is not actually planning to deploy Nickelback's music as a drug deterrent (as far as we know). Any resemblance to real policies, events, or city officials is purely coincidental—though we can't promise someone hasn't already considered it.
