Hundreds of Oregonians were rushed to the hospital over the past couple of days after an unseasonably bright sun made the mistake of shining down upon the pasty, vitamin-D-deprived masses emerging from their winter hibernation. The incident, now being referred to as The Great Reflectopalypse, has left locals shaken, emergency rooms at full capacity, and meteorologists scrambling to explain what just happened.
Eyewitnesses describe a scene of utter chaos as Portlanders, Eugene hippies, and even the most rugged Bend outdoorsmen stepped into the rare February sunshine only to unknowingly weaponize their translucent skin. The sudden reflection of light off thousands of exposed limbs created a blinding, laser-like glare that could be seen from as far as Mount Hood.
“I just stepped outside yesterday to get my DoorDash order, and next thing I knew, I was on the ground, clutching my eyes!” said local resident Chad Whittaker, still wrapped in the same flannel he’s been wearing since October. “I thought I had stared directly into an eclipse, but it was just my neighbor finally putting on shorts.”
Bystanders reported searing flashes of light bouncing off pale Oregonian calves, illuminating entire city blocks and temporarily blinding pedestrians, cyclists, and at least one unfortunate group of tourists who thought it was finally safe to visit the Oregon Coast. Some say they heard a collective hiss as the light struck the skin of long-dormant locals who hadn’t seen the sun since last August.
“Dude, it was like when Gandalf hit the Balrog with that staff of his,” said 25-year-old Reed College student Jasper Reynolds, who had been enjoying a morning kombucha on his porch before disaster struck. “I had my sunglasses on, but it didn’t matter. The light came from below me. That’s when I knew it was over.”
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OHSU’s emergency department has been flooded with reports of temporary blindness, second-degree retina burns, and mild existential crises as patients struggle to comprehend the glowing celestial orb in the sky. Physicians say the victims were simply unprepared for such an aggressive solar attack.
“This is the worst case of mass photonic exposure we’ve seen since last April’s Partially Cloudy Incident,” said Dr. Meredith Vaughn, shaking her head in disbelief. “The issue isn’t just the sudden brightness—it’s the concentration of pasty white skin all emerging at once. When light hits so many near-albino surfaces simultaneously, it becomes a superbeam, capable of taking out even the most seasoned outdoor enthusiasts.”
The Oregon Department of Emergency Management has issued a Level 3 Sun Hazard Warning, advising all residents to avoid venturing outside between the hours of 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. unless absolutely necessary. If exposure is unavoidable, experts recommend layering up in a hoodie, sweatpants, and a beanie, despite the 65-degree temperatures.
Meanwhile, local businesses are capitalizing on the crisis. REI has announced a "Post-Winter Prep Kit," featuring SPF 1000 sunscreen, polarized goggles, and a stylish neck gaiter to protect against unexpected sun ricochets. Craft breweries have also stepped in, marketing solar-safe patios equipped with light-diffusing canopies and reinforced sunglasses with built-in blue-light protection “for when a guy named Kyle suddenly decides to wear a tank top.”
Despite the widespread panic, not all Oregonians were affected. Reports indicate that local Bigfoot hunters, Crater Lake park rangers, and that one guy who still wears Chacos year-round were completely unfazed.
As the crisis subsides, state officials are urging calm, reminding residents that clouds are expected to return by tomorrow, restoring Oregon’s natural grayish-green equilibrium. Until then, stay indoors, wear protective gear, and for the love of all that is good, keep your shirts on.
Disclaimer: This is satire. No actual fights with the sun were reported… yet. ☀️😂
