Boring, Oregon — In what experts are calling an unprecedented failure of logic and reason, a local man in Boring, Oregon, was left completely stunned after his lengthy, all-caps social media rant failed to immediately convince a stranger to change their entire worldview.
The incident occurred late Tuesday night on Facebook, where self-proclaimed political genius Jeff Wilkinson, 42, courageously engaged in a battle of wits with an unsuspecting opponent, Dave Peterson, 37, in the comment section of a news article neither of them had actually read.
Wilkinson, armed with memes, a 14-paragraph essay, and multiple insults questioning Peterson’s intelligence, was certain that his well-researched (Googled once) arguments would shatter Peterson’s misguided beliefs in seconds.
However, despite Wilkinson’s airtight reasoning—which included the phrase “DO SOME RESEARCH, SHEEP” no fewer than six times—Peterson refused to immediately renounce his position.
“I just…I don’t understand it,” Wilkinson reportedly muttered to himself, staring at his screen in disbelief. “I told him exactly why he was wrong, in excruciating detail. I even ended my argument with ‘LOL OKAY BUDDY’—how did that not seal the deal?”
Experts say this bizarre phenomenon—where people inexplicably do not immediately reverse their long-held beliefs just because a stranger yelled at them online—has been documented for years, but it remains a mystery to those who frequently comment on Facebook.
"We’ve seen this pattern over and over," said Dr. Karen Lipton, a leading researcher in Internet Debates That Go Nowhere. "People assume that if they just type enough words, sound aggressive enough, and maybe throw in a condescending 'Bless Your Heart' for good measure, their opponent will instantly see the light. Shockingly, this has never once worked."
Despite the setback, Wilkinson remains determined to change the world one angry post at a time. As of press time, he was reportedly seen drafting a 47-reply takedown of a teenager who suggested that ranch dressing on pizza is good.
