In a bold and completely baffling creative decision, the producers of Goonies 2 have announced that the film’s soundtrack will be composed entirely of Corey Feldman’s music. But rather than being used to enhance the adventure and nostalgia of the long-awaited sequel, Feldman’s songs will serve a very different purpose: psychological warfare.
According to sources close to the project, the film’s villains will not be defeated through daring escapes, booby traps, or classic Goonies-style teamwork. Instead, they will be subjected to an all-out sonic assault featuring Feldman’s greatest hits (which, to be clear, are all equally terrible). At a recent press conference, the film’s director defended the choice, stating, “We wanted to explore non-traditional ways of handling conflict. Why have a big fight scene when you can just make the bad guys beg for mercy by blasting Ascension Millennium at full volume?”
Leaked script details reveal a particularly harrowing moment in the third act, where the main antagonist—desperate to escape—begs to be thrown into a pit of snakes rather than endure another verse of Go 4 It. In another scene, henchmen attempt to flee, only to collapse into fetal positions as Feldman’s unmistakable falsetto echoes through hidden speakers. At one point, a villain reportedly defects to the heroes’ side after just 30 seconds of exposure, whispering, “I didn’t sign up for this, man. I thought it was gonna be, like, a pirate treasure situation.”
Early test screenings have been described as “traumatizing” by anonymous sources, with some attendees reportedly demanding refunds before the movie even started, solely based on the soundtrack announcement. One unlucky extra, who happened to be on set during a playback session, was later spotted sitting in silence, staring at a wall, whispering, “Why is he dressed like Michael Jackson?”
Despite the growing backlash, the studio remains steadfast in its decision, claiming that Feldman’s music will add a unique, if not entirely legal, element to the film. In a recent interview, Feldman himself addressed the controversy, saying, “Look, I get it—people aren’t ready for this level of artistry. Some folks just don’t understand the genius behind my work, much like how people didn’t fully appreciate Van Gogh until later.” When reminded that Van Gogh was widely regarded as a tortured genius, Feldman responded, “Exactly.”
Film insiders suggest that the Goonies 2 production team initially intended to feature a more traditional orchestral score but made the switch after accidentally leaving a Feldman CD in the sound booth overnight and returning the next morning to find the janitorial staff openly weeping. A test run of the soundtrack on set reportedly caused a group of child extras to spontaneously renounce their dreams of acting and instead pursue careers as lighthouse keepers—just to be as far away from Hollywood as possible.
With the film’s release looming, fans remain divided, with some calling for a boycott and others morbidly curious to witness the auditory catastrophe firsthand. Meanwhile, the Motion Picture Association is reportedly considering whether to introduce a new rating above NC-17 for movies featuring prolonged exposure to Feldman’s music.
Only time will tell if Goonies 2 will go down in history as a daring experiment in unconventional storytelling or an unintentional psychological thriller. But one thing is certain—never before has a film been so uniquely positioned to replace waterboarding as a preferred method of information extraction.
