HEAVEN—After years of patience, countless warnings, and multiple disasters that somehow still weren’t enough to inspire change, sources close to the Almighty confirm that God is now “heavily considering” giving California a gentle push into the Pacific by 2030. “I...
A groundbreaking new study has finally settled the age-old debate: according to a nationwide survey, most women agree that a six-inch Subway sandwich is the perfect size. Conducted by the highly respected Institute of Culinary and Statistical Research, the study found...
NEWPORT, OR — For years, coastal visitors have suspected foul play when it comes to the mysterious yet highly strategic poop splatters appearing on their vehicles after a peaceful day at the beach. Today, in a shocking and unprecedented confession, Newport’s seagull...
In a move that has both foodies and entomologists scratching their heads, Impossible Foods has announced their latest innovation: a burger made entirely from 100% ground crickets. Dubbed the Crunchy Classic, this bold new creation promises all the protein of...
A Bend landlord, known among tenants simply as “Greg,” has proudly listed his one-bedroom, one-bath apartment for a “very fair” $3,200 a month, adding that he feels “pretty generous” about the price. “I could be charging way more,” Greg said while standing in front of...
Coos Bay has officially been recognized with the prestigious honor of “Best Place People Drive Through on Their Way to Bandon”, as awarded by the esteemed travel magazine Scenic Secrets Quarterly. The recognition comes after an exhaustive survey of road-trippers,...
Shoppers at a local grocery store were forced to endure a multi-act opera of chaos Sunday afternoon as a small, shoeless little brat unleashed an earth-shaking tantrum in the produce section. Meanwhile, her mother—clearly a seasoned veteran of public...
PORTLAND, OR — Health experts have today issued a shocking warning that fentanyl circulating on the streets of Portland has tested positive for gluten, a protein composite normally found in wheat, rye, and barley. In response, a new advocacy group called Action on...
PORTLAND, OR – Walmart has unveiled a bold new experiment in Portland, testing out cutting-edge AI-powered technology designed to combat a growing problem: tweakers. The store’s automatic doors are now equipped with advanced artificial intelligence that can detect...
SPRINGFIELD, OR — The scent of lighter fluid and overconfidence filled the air Friday afternoon as local dad, Greg Thompson, triumphantly wheeled out his Weber grill, declaring it "grilling season" the moment temperatures climbed to a balmy 50 degrees. Despite a...
In a stunning turn of events, the Mexican government has officially declared Spanish as the country’s national language, following the bold example set by former U.S. President Donald Trump, who recently declared English the official language of the United States. The...
PORTLAND, OR — The search for 34-year-old Kevin Michaels, who was last seen attempting to merge onto I-205 during rush hour, continues as family and friends hold out hope for his safe return. Kevin left his Southeast Portland home last Tuesday morning, reportedly en...