PORTLAND, Ore. — Wildlife officials say they've confirmed the first documented sighting of an Extremely Rare Portland Seagull, a subspecies long believed to exist only in stories told by brewery owners, baristas, and people who somehow manage to turn every...
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Gov. Tina Kotek Debuts Bold New Purple Mohawk
PORTLAND, OR — Oregon Governor Tina Kotek shocked residents this week after unveiling a dramatic new purple mohawk during a public appearance, prompting widespread confusion over whether the hairstyle was a personal choice, a political statement, or the result of an...
Nabisco And Newport Announce Limited Edition Dungeness Crab Stuffed Oreos
NEWPORT, Ore. — In what experts are already calling “the most Oregon thing to ever happen,” Nabisco has officially partnered with the coastal town of Newport to release a new flavor nobody asked for but everyone is now weirdly curious about: Limited Edition Dungeness...
Nation’s Worst Human Revealed As Guy Who Guns It Past Everyone Waiting Then Forces Way In At Merge Point
SOME RANDOM TOWN, OREGON — In a stunning development that has united commuters across political, cultural, and astrological lines, officials confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s worst human is, in fact, the guy who floors it down the closing lane and tries to merge at...
Quiet Day On The Lake Ruined By Kid Who Doesn’t Know How To Fish
BEND, OR — What began as a peaceful, carefully planned morning of solitude on a quiet Central Oregon lake quickly unraveled Saturday after local father Mark Ellison, 42, made the critical error of bringing along his 7-year-old son, who sources confirm “doesn’t know...
Portland Police Warn Enforcing Laws Could Result In Suspects Staying In Jail For Entire Afternoon
PORTLAND, OR — In what officials are calling a “deeply concerning and potentially irreversible shift,” Portland police warned Friday that fully enforcing existing laws could lead to suspects remaining in jail for an entire afternoon, marking a dramatic departure from...
Tired Sea Lion Snaps After Being Climbed Over, Breathed On, And Generally Disrespected
NEWPORT, Ore. — What began as a typical afternoon along the docks in Old Town Newport quickly turned into an unexpectedly entertaining spectacle Tuesday, as two sea lions engaged in what onlookers are calling one of the most dramatic “dock disputes” of the season. The...
Oregon Leaders Urge Homeowners To Set Firearms Aside And Kindly Talk Things Out With Intruders
SALEM, OR — In what officials are calling a “more compassionate approach to unexpected late-night visitors,” Oregon leaders this week urged residents to set firearms aside and instead engage in calm, respectful dialogue with anyone breaking into their homes. “At the...
Trump Gives Portland 48 Hours to “Figure It Out” Before “We Push the Big Button”
PORTLAND, OR — Calling the situation “very concerning, very chaotic, frankly a mess,” President Donald Trump issued a firm 48-hour ultimatum Tuesday demanding that the city of Portland “figure it out” or face what he described as “the big button—everyone knows the...
Springfield Rolls Out Pilot Program Where Roof Guns Politely Ask “Hey Man, What Are You Doing?” Before Escalating
SPRINGFIELD, OR — In what city officials are calling a “measured, community-first approach to modern problems,” Springfield this week unveiled a pilot program featuring AI-powered rooftop security turrets that politely question suspicious individuals before taking...
New Oregon ‘Summit Assist’ Service Lets Hikers Skip Straight to the Scenic Part
LINCOLN CITY, Ore. — In a move that’s already being called “the biggest breakthrough in outdoor recreation since paved parking lots,” a new service along the Oregon Coast is now offering visitors a chance to experience one of the state’s most iconic viewpoints…...
Oregon Tax Authorities Say Even ‘Secret’ Easter Eggs Must Be Declared As Distributed Assets
PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a “long-overdue clarification of seasonal compliance standards,” Oregon tax authorities confirmed this week that even Easter eggs hidden on private property must now be reported as distributed assets for tax purposes. The...











