Satire

Lloyd Center Celebrates Final Day With One Last Attempted Robbery

PORTLAND, Ore. — After decades of shopping, ice skating, awkward teenage hangouts and wondering whether the mall was actually still open, Lloyd Center is reportedly marking its final day in the most Portland way possible: with one last attempted robbery. Witnesses say the emotional farewell...

Oregon Fondly Recalls When The Most Divisive Issue In The State Was Ducks Vs. Beavers

There was a time in Oregon when the surest way to start an argument was to ask one simple question: Ducks or Beavers? Families were divided. Friend groups picked sides. Entire Saturdays in the fall revolved around green and yellow or orange and black. People could spend an afternoon yelling at a...

Portlanders Devastated by Lloyd Center Closing After Spending 15 Years Not Going There

PORTLAND, Ore. — A wave of grief swept across Portland Friday after thousands of residents received the shocking news that Lloyd Center is closing and, perhaps even more shockingly, learned that Lloyd Center had apparently still been open this entire time. The longtime Portland mall will close its...

Federal Government Sends Emergency Porta-Potties To Hardest-Hit Taco Bell Locations

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling "the largest gastrointestinal emergency response in American history," the federal government announced Tuesday it has begun deploying thousands of emergency porta-potties to Taco Bell restaurants experiencing catastrophic restroom demand following...

Shirtless Hiker Holds Glorious Pose For Five Minutes So Nobody Mistakes The Majestic Mountain For The Main Attraction

MOUNT HOOD NATIONAL FOREST, Ore. — Pausing at a sweeping overlook surrounded by snowcapped peaks, old-growth forest, and a vast mountain valley, local hiker Brandon Mercer reportedly removed his shirt and struck a glorious hands-on-hips pose Sunday to ensure no one mistakenly believed the majestic...

PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a major step forward for aquatic inclusivity, Oregon announced this week that all public swimming pools will be required to employ at least one certified drag queen lifeguard during Pride Month. The new program,...

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