Satire

Quiet Day On The Lake Ruined By Kid Who Doesn’t Know How To Fish

BEND, OR — What began as a peaceful, carefully planned morning of solitude on a quiet Central Oregon lake quickly unraveled Saturday after local father Mark Ellison, 42, made the critical error of bringing along his 7-year-old son, who sources confirm “doesn’t know how to fish at all.” Ellison,...

Portland Police Warn Enforcing Laws Could Result In Suspects Staying In Jail For Entire Afternoon

PORTLAND, OR — In what officials are calling a “deeply concerning and potentially irreversible shift,” Portland police warned Friday that fully enforcing existing laws could lead to suspects remaining in jail for an entire afternoon, marking a dramatic departure from the city’s long-standing...

Tired Sea Lion Snaps After Being Climbed Over, Breathed On, And Generally Disrespected

NEWPORT, Ore. — What began as a typical afternoon along the docks in Old Town Newport quickly turned into an unexpectedly entertaining spectacle Tuesday, as two sea lions engaged in what onlookers are calling one of the most dramatic “dock disputes” of the season. The popular bayfront viewing...

Oregon Leaders Urge Homeowners To Set Firearms Aside And Kindly Talk Things Out With Intruders

SALEM, OR — In what officials are calling a “more compassionate approach to unexpected late-night visitors,” Oregon leaders this week urged residents to set firearms aside and instead engage in calm, respectful dialogue with anyone breaking into their homes. “At the end of the day, a home invasion...

Trump Gives Portland 48 Hours to “Figure It Out” Before “We Push the Big Button”

PORTLAND, OR — Calling the situation “very concerning, very chaotic, frankly a mess,” President Donald Trump issued a firm 48-hour ultimatum Tuesday demanding that the city of Portland “figure it out” or face what he described as “the big button—everyone knows the button.” Standing in front of a...
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