EUGENE, OREGON — City leaders say they’re exploring plans to bring a much bigger Dick’s to the area, a move they believe could boost local morale and finally give residents the kind of Dick’s they’ve been asking for. Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, the mayor...
PORTLAND, Ore. — Several Portland fitness centers announced this week they will be eliminating traditional heavy weights from their gyms entirely after city officials and wellness consultants agreed the weight room environment has long promoted levels of masculinity...
PORTLAND, OR — Doctors across Portland say they are closely studying a surprising new trend after hospitals reported a 38% increase in babies being born both genderless and with naturally occurring blue hair, a phenomenon physicians are cautiously describing as...
WASHINGTON—Sen. Ron Wyden appeared visibly distant during a routine budget hearing Tuesday, staring solemnly into space as if mentally revisiting the harrowing weeks in 1848 when dysentery nearly claimed his life somewhere along the Oregon Trail just before reaching...
PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning triumph for modern public policy, local gang member Rico “Lil Torque” Martinez announced Sunday night that he has canceled a planned armed robbery after discovering that new gun control laws officially take effect Monday morning. “I mean,...
In what experts are calling “either the boldest social experiment of the decade or a cry for help,” a Portland woman reportedly left her bicycle completely unlocked for a full 17 seconds on a busy, tree-lined city block Sunday afternoon. Witnesses say 32-year-old...
PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a deeply troubling development, a 34 year old Portland resident has been placed on a community watchlist after failing to attend, organize, or aggressively livestream a single protest this week. According to neighbors,...
EUGENE, Ore. — What began as a quick Saturday morning run for paper towels and a rotisserie chicken has reportedly turned into a full coming-of-age saga for local father Brent Halvorsen, who aged approximately 14 years while waiting for a front-row parking spot at...
SALEM, OR — Declaring it “a proud milestone in collectible governance,” a Portland-based toy startup announced Tuesday the release of limited-edition Tina Kotek Action Figures to celebrate what promotional materials describe as her status as America’s Most Popular...
CORVALLIS, OR — In a groundbreaking study that absolutely no one asked for, researchers confirmed Tuesday that the average Oregonian owns approximately 47 reusable grocery bags, yet continues to stand at checkout saying, “Oh… I forgot them,” before reluctantly...
CORVALLIS, OR — In what housing experts are calling “a troubling but financially sound decision,” a 20-year-old college student has reportedly moved into a construction-site porta-potty near campus after calculating that it was still significantly cheaper than renting...
PORTLAND, OR — After years of observation, analysis, and quietly judgmental note-taking, researchers have formally admitted they still do not understand why Portland residents look the way they do. The announcement came Tuesday from a multidisciplinary research team...