Satire

Trump Released the List, But It Wasn’t the List, Since There’s No List, Except for the List That Isn’t a List

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing that left the nation more confused than ever, President Donald Trump assured Americans that the Epstein client list was released, except it wasn’t really the list, because there is no list, apart from the list that isn’t technically a list. “We released the...

Portland Cyclists to Host ‘We’re Better Than You’ Parade This Weekend

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local cyclists have announced plans for a massive parade this Saturday titled “We’re Better Than You” as a way to raise awareness for their superior lifestyle choices. The event, organized by the Portland Coalition of Pedal Supremacy, will feature hundreds of cyclists riding...

Portland Mayor Allows 4th of July Flag Waving if Residents Promise to Apologize Later

PORTLAND, OR — Ahead of Independence Day, Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reminded residents Monday that while waving the American flag on the 4th of July is technically still legal, those who choose to do so should immediately issue a sincere apology for “the harm caused by aggressive displays of...

Tina Kotek Announces Bold Plan to Fix Oregon by Staring Blankly

SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself. “My administration has worked tirelessly to identify the root cause of...

Flip Flops Found After Mosquitoes Eat a Whole Man, Witnesses Claim “He Was Drained Like a Juice Box”

OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops and a strong scent of banana...
Oregon Bans Conservatives

Oregon Bans Conservatives

SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’” The emergency legislation, passed...

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