Humor

Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current

OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31, was spotted laid out...

Migrants Flee After Federal Agents Project AI Trump Riding Eagle at Border

NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the projection—roughly 50 feet tall and...

Exclusive: Billionaire Power Couple Trump and Musk File For Divorce

PALM BEACH, FL — After years of public praise, private DMs, and the occasional awkward photo op, former President Donald J. Trump and tech billionaire Elon Musk have officially filed for divorce, ending what many believed to be the most chaotic power couple in modern American history. Court...

Influencer Keeps Trail Secret by Featuring It in ‘Untouched Secret Trails’ Series for Her 3.2 Million Followers

OREGON — A beloved Oregon hiking trail once known only to a handful of locals, several deer, and one suspiciously territorial raccoon has now been declared “completely over” after being featured in the debut episode of influencer Sage Emberly’s new video series, Untouched Secret Trails — which she...

New Portland Initiative Will Phase Out ‘Police’ in Favor of ‘Feelings-First Safety Network’

PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly branded entity: the...
First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft...

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