PORTLAND, OR — State and local officials held a brief but tense press conference Wednesday morning to address growing public concern over a bright yellow thing that has remained visible in the sky for a third consecutive day.
“This is not an emergency,” officials repeated, while standing under a cloudless blue sky and squinting noticeably. “There is no cause for alarm. Residents are urged to stay calm and avoid prolonged eye contact with the phenomenon.”
Experts believe the object is the sun, a rarely observed celestial body in Oregon most commonly documented through grainy photographs taken during traffic jams or while someone says, “Quick, get outside.”
“We usually see it for about twelve minutes, then it leaves,” said a regional meteorologist. “Three days is… ambitious.”
Across Portland, Salem, Eugene, and surrounding areas, residents reported rising unease. Coffee shops rolled out outdoor seating far earlier than emotionally appropriate. Neighbors exchanged phrases like “Wow, it’s still nice out” and “Should we enjoy this?”—comments officials described as “premature and potentially dangerous.”
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In Eugene, residents were seen applying sunscreen they purchased years ago and assumed they’d never need. In Bend, several locals panicked after realizing they owned shorts but hadn’t emotionally prepared to wear them.
“I don’t trust it,” said Salem resident Karen M., gesturing at the sky. “It’s too bright. It feels like it wants something.”
Retailers statewide confirmed a sharp decline in rain jacket sales, alongside a confusing spike in sunglasses worn exclusively on top of heads. Flannel shirts remain in use “just in case the sun is a trick.”
The Oregon Department of Transportation also issued guidance reminding drivers that clear visibility does not mean faster driving, and that sunshine does not eliminate the need to slow down to 45 mph on the freeway for no identifiable reason.
Meanwhile, state officials continue urging calm.
“Please do not make plans more than 24 hours in advance,” a spokesperson said. “History shows this will correct itself.”
As of press time, thousands of Oregonians were still refreshing their weather apps every four minutes, waiting for the inevitable return of clouds, drizzle, and emotional stability.
“Nature always remembers where we live,” one resident whispered, pulling their hood up—just in case.
