PORTLAND, OR — Freshly mobilized National Guard troops are already filing desperate reassignment requests after their first Portland briefing included photos from the city’s notorious World Naked Bike Ride.
The “emergency ride,” hastily announced on social media by @WorldNakedBikeRidePortland in response to President Donald Trump’s decision to deploy 200 Guard members, has left soldiers rattled.
“We were expecting to see maps, tactical diagrams, maybe some intel on Molotov cocktails,” said Specialist Tyler Graham. “Instead, they dim the lights and throw up 200 slides of pale dudes on fixies, glitter-painted activists, and one guy in nothing but Crocs and a cape. I’d rather deploy to Fallujah.”
Organizers say the ride is meant as a statement against militarization in the city. “It’s about vulnerability,” explained activist Rain Drop-Featherstone, polishing his handlebars. “And nothing says vulnerable like 10,000 naked Portlanders pedaling directly at a Humvee.”
The briefing reportedly included “worst-case scenario” footage of previous rides. Several soldiers were seen covering their eyes with their helmets. One private requested transfer to a minefield detail in Eastern Europe. Another was caught trying to Google “how to unsee something.”
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The Rose City’s nude rides are usually held in the summer as a protest against car culture and pollution, but this last-minute mobilization marks the first time troops have been forced to factor “rogue nudists on unicycles” into their operational planning.
Even Trump weighed in, saying, “Totally disgusting. Nobody wants to see that. Maybe the worst thing ever, and I’ve seen Rosie O’Donnell eat cake.”
At press time, the Pentagon confirmed therapy llamas are being flown in to support shaken troops, while WNBR organizers teased an even bigger surprise: glow-in-the-dark body paint and a synchronized “peloton of full moons” circling the ICE facility.
“God help us,” whispered one commander, staring into the middle distance.
