PORTLAND, OR — After years of speculation, arguments at Pride festivals, and bitter rainbow flag one-upmanship, a panel of travel magazine experts officially declared Portland the gayest city in America this week. Within hours, Seattle immediately demanded a recount, citing “suspiciously flamboyant voting patterns” and insisting the judges “obviously didn’t see our brunch scene.”
Listen, we respect Portland’s commitment to rainbow crosswalks, drag brunches, and artisanal leather harnesses,” said Seattle mayoral spokesperson Kendra Malloy, visibly gripping a clipboard hard enough to bend it. “But if you’re telling me that a city with both Pike Place Market AND a lesbian-owned cat café doesn’t deserve the crown, then this ranking process is fundamentally flawed.”
The magazine’s study measured several factors, including number of rainbow flags per capita, the average length of Pride parades, and how quickly strangers on dating apps will ghost you after asking if you’re into polyamory. Portland reportedly scored a record-breaking 97 out of 100 in the “alternative relationship energy” category, narrowly edging out Seattle, San Francisco, and Asheville, NC.
Portland officials wasted no time celebrating. Mayor Keith Wilson held a press conference outside a kombucha brewery, announcing plans to rebrand the city’s slogan from “Keep Portland Weird” to “Keep Portland Weird, But Gay.”
“We’ve worked hard for this,” Wilson said, flanked by a brass band in booty shorts. “From our 16 drag bingo nights per week to our city-sponsored roller derby queer dance collective, this title belongs to Portland. And no, we will not be apologizing to Seattle.”
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Seattle, however, is filing a formal protest with the LGBTQ+ Oversight Committee, arguing the judges overlooked crucial evidence like its 47 breweries offering “Gay Trivia Mondays” and the fact that every other man in Capitol Hill wears crop tops in November.
“We’ve been preparing for this moment for decades,” said Seattle resident Tyler Briggs, angrily adjusting his septum piercing. “Honestly, this feels like Florida 2000 all over again.”
At press time, sources confirmed San Francisco had graciously accepted third place, noting that it was “retired from competing” but happy to mentor Portland in the art of combining Pride parades with tech-sponsored afterparties.
