AUSTIN, TX — In a bold return to the golden age of moral panic and liver damage, the Texas House passed Senate Bill 3 late Wednesday night, banning all intoxicating THC products while reaffirming the state’s unwavering belief that the only righteous way to unwind is with state-sanctioned poison.
The bill, authored by Sen. Charles Perry and carried to the altar of virtue by Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, passed 95-44 in a vote that experts say could tank an $8 billion industry—and boost the sale of boxed wine and 7-Eleven cough syrup.
“We’re protecting children and families from unregulated cannabinoids,” said Patrick, moments before slamming a shot of something flammable and muttering “praise be” under his breath. “If you want to feel relaxed in Texas, it better come with cirrhosis.”
Under the new law, possession of THC—whether Delta-8, Delta-9, or any compound that might make you giggle at cartoons—is punishable by up to a year in jail. Meanwhile, alcohol remains legal, accessible, and enthusiastically advertised during Dallas Cowboys games as a health-forward lifestyle enhancer.
“It’s simple,” said Sen. Perry. “THC alters your mind. Alcohol just gives you a pleasant buzz, makes you fight your uncle at a wedding, and causes 95,000 deaths a year. Totally different.”
Critics point to the obvious hypocrisy of banning a plant that helps with pain, PTSD, and sleep, while celebrating a beverage that regularly leads to ER visits, traffic deaths, and people texting their ex at 2 a.m. But state lawmakers remain unmoved.
“Let’s not pretend we’re banning health here,” said Rep. Ron “Coors” McKinney. “THC is a slippery slope to yoga, empathy, and voting blue. Alcohol builds character. And domestic violence statistics.”
John Burk, a veteran and owner of Shell Shock CBD in Richardson, testified in Austin about how THC products help veterans avoid opioids. Lawmakers responded by offering him a shot of Fireball and a flannel blanket.
“Texans don’t want this,” Burk said. “We just want the freedom to choose something that won’t destroy our kidneys.”
Still, the state insists CBD and CBG are totally fine to sell—so long as they don’t do anything fun. And for patients needing real relief? The Compassionate Use Program remains active, provided they can solve a riddle, climb a bureaucratic tower, and wait six to nine months.
As the ban goes into effect, Texas residents are preparing for a future in which a single gummy could lead to jail time, but a 32-ounce margarita with Everclear and three pickle slices is considered “hydration.”
In a final statement, Lt. Gov. Patrick assured Texans that “freedom isn’t about doing what you want—it’s about doing what we told you you’re allowed to want.” He then disappeared into a honky-tonk, muttering something about demons in the vape pens.
Sources close to the legislature say a new bill is already in the works to classify THC as “witchcraft” and designate Bud Light Lime as an essential vitamin.
