PORTLAND, OR — May 7, 2025 — In response to the ninth human body surfacing in the Willamette River this spring, Portland officials held a casual press conference Monday to assure the public that “everything’s totally chill, bro,” and to gently remind residents to “maybe not stare — it’s kind of a vibe killer.”
“This is a classic case of river doing river things,” Lt. Rick Graves of Portland Fire & Rescue, exhaling slowly. “Look, nature’s messy. Sometimes it’s a fish, sometimes it’s a shoe, sometimes it’s a guy. Either way, no need to harsh the collective mellow.”
Officials emphasized that the sudden spike in visible bodies isn’t necessarily alarming — just “seasonal.”
“Spring is when the river likes to share,” said a Multnomah County spokesperson. “Most of the year she keeps secrets. But when the sun comes out and the water shifts? Boom. She opens up like a moody ex.”
The city has issued a new set of river guidelines under the campaign “Be Cool, Don’t Stare.” The flyer includes friendly advice like:
- “Bodies happen.”
- “Let it float — emotionally and physically.”
- “Just keep paddling.”
Locals are encouraged to enjoy outdoor activities as usual, but with a strong commitment to what officials call “passive awareness.”
“It’s not that we don’t want people to care,” said the mayor’s communications director. “We just want them to care in a chill, non-eye-contact kind of way. Like when you see your ex at the farmers market.”
Despite the rising number of bodies, no policy changes have been announced. City leaders insist the river is “still totally usable for paddleboarding, kayaking, and light emotional suppression.”
Meanwhile, some residents have embraced the normalization effort. A riverside café has launched a new drink called The Bobber, and local tour groups are now offering “Willamette Mystery Cruises,” which come with a waiver and a blindfold option.
Asked if nine bodies was something to worry about, one official replied, “Only if you make it weird.”
At press time, officials encouraged residents to keep enjoying the outdoors — just maybe don’t swim with your eyes open.
