PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning turn of events, downtown Portland’s decades-long struggle with open-air drug use has officially ended—thanks to a bold new policy initiative: putting up a lot of signs.
Lining the street like hopeful little soldiers, a series of “DRUG-FREE ZONE” signs now boldly mark what was, until this week, a fentanyl enthusiast’s paradise. Each sign features a red circle crossing out a syringe, accompanied by stern Helvetica lettering reminding passersby that drugs are now illegal in this precise three-foot radius.
City officials say the signs—each costing $37 and installed with the emotional labor of at least one unpaid intern—have already done more than $300 million in addiction services ever could.
“Honestly, we didn’t expect it to work this fast,” said Deputy Director of Symbolic Progress, Marla Trent. “We installed the signs at 8 a.m. and by lunch, all the dealers had packed up. One even apologized and asked for a GED brochure.”
Eyewitnesses report a remarkable shift in behavior. “I was mid-nod in front of Embers,” said local man Dusty Pete, “and I saw not one, not two, but three signs in a row. It felt like the universe was sending a message. A bold, black-and-white, anti-heroin message.”
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By late afternoon, several known dealers were seen packing up their merchandise, reportedly muttering, “Damn, they put four signs up. They mean business.”
In the hours following the installation, reports poured in of hardened addicts politely discarding their paraphernalia into compostable bins, asking how to apply for tech internships, and hugging outreach volunteers.
A spokesperson for Mayor Keith Wilson’s office praised the initiative, calling it “a masterclass in civic innovation.”
“This is what happens when you stop wasting money on complicated solutions and just believe in the power of signage,” the spokesperson added. “Honestly, we might try this with crime next.”
Indeed, the city is already planning additional signage, including:
- “No Poverty Beyond This Point” near the Burnside Bridge
- “Stop Being Mentally Ill” posters at MAX stops
- And a pilot sign in Old Town reading “Please, No More Chaos”
Critics have called the move “laughably performative,” but city leaders insist a second wave of signs—with reflective lettering—is already being printed to “really seal the deal.”
Back at the site of the now-vacant camp, a couple from Lake Oswego was seen taking selfies in front of a cluster of signs. “This is the Portland we remember from college,” they said, before retreating to their Range Rover and a charcuterie board in the West Hills.
Meanwhile, one lone man was seen crouched beside his tent, foil square in hand. He paused, glanced up at the nearest “DRUG-FREE ZONE” sign, sighed deeply, and whispered, “Not today.”
Progress.
