“Academic equity achieved, one letter at a time,” says Governor Kotek
SALEM, OR — In a bold move to address persistent educational challenges, Oregon's education officials have announced a new graduation requirement: high school seniors must now recite the alphabet to receive their diplomas.
This decision follows the Oregon Board of Education's 2023 vote to suspend the "Essential Skills" requirement—proficiency in reading, writing, and math—through at least 2028 . Rather than require students to demonstrate any “colonialist” notion of competence, the Oregon Department of Education has proudly replaced traditional benchmarks with something they say is “equally rigorous, but more emotionally supportive.”
Students will now stand in front of a counselor and confidently belt out A through Z to receive their diploma — with accommodations available for those who feel that 26 letters is “too binary.”
“We’re not lowering the bar,” said a spokesperson for Governor Tina Kotek, “we’re simply laying it gently on the ground where it can be more easily tripped over by everyone.”
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According to sources, students who struggle with the alphabet portion can still graduate if they can successfully name at least one color, tie their shoes without adult supervision, or identify which end of a pencil is the eraser. “And even that’s optional,” added one administrator, “we’re all about flexibility.”
Oregon’s New Standards of Excellence:
- Gold Level Graduate – Recites alphabet in order
- Silver Level Graduate – Skips around but eventually lands on Z
- Platinum Level Graduate – Thinks ‘LMNOP’ is one single letter cluster
- Superintendent’s List – Completes alphabet with interpretive dance
The new policy has already resulted in a 112% graduation rate in Portland Public Schools, with several kindergarteners accidentally handed diplomas after a “miscommunication during a music class.”
When asked whether this new standard would prepare students for the modern workforce, one state education official chuckled, “Who needs to read or write when you can livestream your feelings?”
Academic Rankings Plummet, Spirits Soar
The change follows Oregon’s consistent placement near the bottom of national education rankings. A 2024 report ranked Oregon as the 4th worst state in America for K-12 education, citing low test scores and high dropout rates .
Governor Tina Kotek, who has vowed to increase graduation rates to 90% by 2027, praised the new approach. “This is about meeting students where they are — whether that’s at a 3rd grade reading level or just vibing near the letter J.”
Kotek later doubled down on her support while visiting an elementary school in Eugene, where she received a standing ovation after spelling “CAT” correctly on a whiteboard.
Critics Slam Move as 'Educational Theater'
Exhausted parents expressed concern that the new standards are less about education and more about optics.
“We’re literally handing out diplomas to people who can’t spell diploma,” said one Salem dad. “I asked my kid what two plus two is and he said ‘equity.’”
Still, the Oregon Board of Education insists the changes are about “fostering self-esteem, not gatekeeping knowledge.”
Coming next year: Oregon announces plans to replace the SAT with a round of Duck, Duck, Goose.
