BEND, OR — Bend has once again topped the charts as the #1 relocation destination for Californians who are baffled by local hostility, according to a new report from the National Association of People Who Turned One Bedroom Condos Into Retirement Plans.
Researchers found that nearly every Californian moving to Bend expressed total confusion about why longtime residents aren’t thrilled to watch housing prices inflate faster than a Subaru tire at the Les Schwab Bowl.
“Everyone is so uptight,” said new resident Brad McAllister while swinging open the doors of his $1.4 million townhome, formerly known as three apartments for working families. “It’s strange that locals don’t thank us for raising property values to the point they can’t live here anymore.”
Bend residents say they welcome newcomers in theory — until the part where they are slowly priced out of their own lives.
“It’s cute that they all say they moved for the small-town charm,” said lifelong Bend local Kendra Pike, standing outside the house her landlord just converted into a miniature WeWork. “Nothing says charm like a 500-square-foot studio listed at $2,750 a month because someone from San Francisco thinks that’s cheap.”
The city is adapting quickly to Californian needs. New programs include:
- A “How to Pretend You Didn’t Directly Cause This” workshop
- Free stickers that say ‘Keep Bend Weirdly Expensive’
- A hotline to report sightings of affordable housing (rare and possibly extinct)
Real estate agents celebrated the announcement by raising median home prices another 15% mid-sentence.
“Locals should be grateful,” said realtor Skyler “You Can Actually Afford Redmond” Thompson while staging a $900k shed made from reclaimed Whole Foods shelving. “Without Californians, who would buy these overpriced containers masquerading as houses?”
Californians insist they are victims too.
“I just wanted to escape the chaos,” said recent transplant Madison Lee, who paid cash for her home after selling a parking space in Palo Alto. “But I guess not everyone can pull themselves up by their Tesla charger.”
City officials say the award is important recognition of Bend’s new motto:
“Welcome to Bend: You Can’t Afford to Live Here, But They Can.”
Plans for next year include building a statue honoring the most beloved Californian in Bend history — the one who moved back home after realizing winter is real.
