PORTLAND, OR — In a shocking display of civic multitasking, Portland Police officers were spotted this week across from the ICE building… peacefully knitting scarves, baby blankets, potholders, and one extremely lumpy sweater while federal agents tackled protesters to the ground just a few feet away.
For over 100 days, city leaders have insisted there was “nothing to see here” — despite nightly reports of smashed windows, dumpster fires, laser pointers aimed at officers, fireworks exploding against the gates, and glass doors broken during attempts to force entry. Even as federal agents deployed tear gas, flash-bangs, and less-lethal rounds to contain the chaos, Portland officials maintained the narrative that “everything is under control.”
“I was confused at first,” said one local resident. “I thought the cops were weaving a tactical net to trap anarchists, but then I realized they were making dishcloths. Meanwhile, the feds were dragging people off in handcuffs. Honestly, the knitting circle had more structure than the city’s response policy.”
When asked why they didn’t intervene, one officer replied without looking up from his bright blue yarn, “We’re not authorized to stop violence at this address, but the mayor said it’s fine if we work on Christmas gifts. And besides, what violence? I don’t see anything.” Another officer proudly displayed a nearly finished baby blanket, explaining it was “for the Chief’s retirement cat.”
Federal officials on the scene admitted the juxtaposition was distracting. “I was trying to cuff a guy throwing fireworks,” said one agent, “but then I saw a cop knitting a granny square and my brain short-circuited. Do they sell these at Saturday Market?”
City leaders doubled down, saying the knitting project was an innovative form of “community healing.” “Nothing says de-escalation like officers quietly working on a shared afghan while Molotovs fly nearby,” a spokesperson explained. “And remember, if you don’t acknowledge the violence, technically it doesn’t exist.”
Rumors now swirl that next week’s police schedule includes a crochet workshop and a beginner’s class on macramé, all conveniently timed to coincide with another night of ICE facility clashes — though don’t worry, the city assures everyone: everything is still “under control.”
