PORTLAND, Ore. — In a bold new effort to “humanize the chaos,” Portland officials have announced the launch of the city’s first-ever Adopt-a-Screamer program, allowing residents to form lasting bonds with their favorite downtown sidewalk shouters.
The initiative, rolled out this week, invites locals and tourists alike to browse a rotating catalog of Portland’s most dedicated street yellers and officially “adopt” one as their personal companion ranter.
“Some people sponsor endangered owls. Others sponsor kids overseas. Here in Portland, you can sponsor a guy who yells at the sky about invisible drones 12 hours a day,” explained City Commissioner Brian Alton. “It’s about building community.”
For $49.99 a month, sponsors receive a laminated photo of their screamer, a biography detailing their most frequent rant topics, and a personalized voice recording they can play at home for comfort.
Participants are also encouraged to stop by downtown, bring snacks, and cheer their screamer on during peak performance hours. Premium tier members can even request custom rants, such as “Shout at my ex’s name for 15 minutes outside Powell’s.”
The program has divided Portlanders. Some call it compassionate, while others accuse city leaders of “finally monetizing insanity.”
“I love my screamer,” said local resident Megan Trout. “He greets me every morning by yelling that pigeons are government spies. It’s way better than coffee.”
Not everyone is thrilled. “I can’t even walk to work without tripping over three adoption booths,” complained one frustrated commuter. “It’s like the Humane Society, but with more tinfoil hats.”
City officials say the program is already exceeding expectations, with more than 2,000 screamers matched in just the first week.
If successful, Portland plans to expand the model with future initiatives such as “Rent-a-Prophet” for climate rallies and “Sponsor-a-Cart-Pusher” for residents who want their groceries delivered via erratic sidewalk chase.
“We’re not just solving homelessness,” Commissioner Alton said proudly. “We’re turning downtown Portland into the nation’s first open-air adoption fair.”
