It’s been a long time coming.
After years of jokes about endless protests, artisanal chaos, and bridges that seem to exist just to get spray-painted, Portland has finally fulfilled every wild exaggeration by spontaneously detonating into a massive fireball. The city is now a smoking crater that geologists say could technically qualify as Oregon’s newest lake.
The War Zone
What began as scattered skirmishes between street musicians and impatient commuters has escalated into what Pentagon officials describe as “the most confusing war in U.S. history.” Entire battalions of federal troops arrived in Portland expecting resistance, only to be met with rooftop fireworks, rogue leaf blowers, and a carefully orchestrated swarm of cyclists who managed to disable an armored vehicle in under ten minutes.
“We had no idea civilians could coordinate a blockade with nothing but plywood and extension cords,” admitted one officer, still coughing from smoke drifting off the Willamette. “At one point, I swear a group of rainbow people emerged from the fog chanting, and the next thing we knew, half the bridge was gone.”
The Aftermath
Troops sent in by President Trump insist they had nothing to do with the destruction, though officials noted that Portland “already looked halfway demolished” when they got there. One soldier reported, “We thought it was normal until the skyline literally collapsed into a giant pile of food trucks and fixed-gear bikes.”
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Still, residents adapted almost instantly. A farmers market was up and running on the rubble within hours, with vendors selling organic zucchini next to collapsed apartment complexes. One local was spotted roasting marshmallows over the still-glowing crater, while another casually remarked, “Honestly, this isn’t even the weirdest thing that’s happened here this month.”
Global Fallout
The obliteration has already sent ripples across the world. NATO allies are scrambling to understand what exactly they’re supposed to defend, while Canada has erected a maple syrup barrier along its border “just in case.” Russia declared victory before anyone even asked them to, citing “proof of Western collapse.”
Meanwhile, experts at home are warning of possible shortages in microbrews, indie vinyl records, and high-priced handmade leather boots. “If Portland supplied nearly half the nation’s boutique craft beer varieties, then what happens now?” asked one economist gravely.
A City That Refuses to Die
Despite the obliteration, locals insist the city will persevere. “We’ve been living like this for years,” said resident Skyler Moondust, standing in front of a half-collapsed bridge. “It finally just caught up with us. And frankly, exploding might be the most Portland way to go out.”
Already, rumors swirl of an underground resistance forming in the tunnels beneath Powell’s Books, where survivors are reportedly stockpiling zines, solar panels, and rainwater barrels in preparation for the next siege.
As one exhausted soldier summed it up: “This isn’t a war. This is Portland. And Portland doesn’t end. It just reinvents itself in a more confusing form.”
