A new analysis ranking Oregon among the worst states to relocate to has shocked absolutely no one within Oregon’s borders, where the news was met with the kind of smug satisfaction usually reserved for hearing that your least favorite cousin moved back to Ohio.
The study, conducted by a group of people Oregonians immediately distrusted, cited “cost of living, job market competitiveness, and the general disdain of locals toward anyone with an out-of-state license plate” as key factors. While many states would see this as a PR disaster, Oregon residents have already begun printing commemorative bumper stickers reading “Keep Oregon Awful — Go Home.”
Portland resident and self-appointed neighborhood spokesman Trevor “Trev” Anderson says the ranking is proof the system works.
“We’ve spent decades fine-tuning this place to repel newcomers,” Anderson explained while sipping a $9 matcha latte in a cafe that charges extra if you make eye contact with the barista. “First, we lure them in with photos of mountains and waterfalls, then we hit them with $2,400 studio apartments and five months of solid rain. Works every time.”
Longtime locals say the dislike for outsiders has less to do with geography and more to do with self-preservation. “The last time we welcomed people in, they built condos and called them ‘luxury micro-lofts,’” said Eugene resident Sarah Peterson. “Now we have to park two miles from our own houses because Chad from California brought four cars.”
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The analysis also noted Oregon’s “uniquely passive-aggressive driver culture,” where turn signals are considered a sign of weakness and merging onto I-5 is viewed as a form of combat. “It’s not that we can’t be friendly,” said one Bend ski shop employee. “We just save our friendliness for dogs, baristas we recognize, and people who already lived here before 1997.”
In perhaps the most Oregon moment possible, the ghost of former Governor Tom McCall — known for his 1971 warning to tourists to “visit, but then go home” — materialized to weigh in on the ranking.
“We are honored by this recognition,” the spectral McCall reportedly said, hovering above a windswept stretch of the Oregon Coast. “Please enjoy visiting Oregon — briefly — and remember to leave exactly as you found it, which ideally means leaving it entirely.”
Still, some outsiders aren’t deterred. One man from Texas told reporters he’s moving to Portland for “the vibes” despite the ranking. Locals have already begun rehearsing their disappointed sighs for when he asks where to find “the real, authentic food carts.”
State tourism officials stress that Oregon is still open to visitors — provided they pack a raincoat, respect the delicate ecosystem of passive-aggressive stares, and leave before they start checking Zillow.
