SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself.
“My administration has worked tirelessly to identify the root cause of Oregon’s challenges,” Kotek said, her eyes glazing over as reporters waited for elaboration. “And after months of deep contemplation, we’ve concluded the most effective path forward is to stand completely still and emit a blank, slightly condescending expression.”
The plan, dubbed Operation Vacant Resolve, is said to be “budget neutral” and “requires no measurable effort,” two hallmarks of previous state initiatives. Supporters hailed the approach as “vintage Oregon leadership,” while critics argued it mirrors Kotek’s existing governing style.
Sources inside the governor’s mansion report Kotek has already logged over 300 hours of intense staring into mirrors and out of windows as part of her personal commitment to the program.
“I tried waving my hands in front of her face,” one staffer admitted. “But apparently that’s part of the process.”
Kotek assured Oregonians that she will maintain the stare until homelessness, crime, housing prices, and potholes resolve themselves through sheer awkwardness.
“If I look focused enough, people might even believe I have a plan,” she added, before returning to her blank expression.
At press time, officials confirmed that Kotek’s approval rating had dropped another 3% during the press conference, though she seemed too deep in her staring exercise to notice.
