OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops and a strong scent of banana boat sunscreen.
“He walked down to the water like he was king of the lake,” said one shaken camper. “No bug spray, no sleeves, just pure overconfidence. He even said, ‘They don’t usually bite me,’ which we now realize was his version of a last will and testament.”
Within moments, the man—described by rangers as “shirtless, sunburnt, and radiating bravado”—was swarmed by what one park official referred to as “a thick airborne mist of vengeance.”
“They came in fast,” said one witness. “I thought it was a cloud or maybe smoke from someone grilling. But no, it was a tactical mosquito strike. Precision bites.”
Bystanders reported hearing one final slap followed by a soft, defeated squelch. After the swarm cleared, the only remaining trace of the man was his $6 Old Navy flip-flops gently spinning in the lake’s shallows, tragically still in the standing position.
“He was drained like a juice box,” confirmed Ranger Melanie Torres. “Clean. Efficient. You could almost hear a slurping noise at the end, like the final sip of a Capri Sun.”
A memorial cooler was later placed near the dock, containing several cans of Off! Deep Woods and a laminated sign that reads: “Spray. Or Stay.”
Officials say this is the fourth such incident this season, and that mosquito attacks are becoming more aggressive due to climate change, budget cuts, and what Torres referred to as “people walking around acting like they’re immune.”
As for the flip-flops, they were recovered and sent to the ranger station’s Lost and Found, where they remain standing upright—“almost like they’re waiting for him to come back,” one staffer whispered, eyes wide.
