Portland Replaces 911 With AI That Soothes Callers by Saying “That Must Have Been Scary” On Repeat

by | Jun 3, 2025 | Humor, News, Satire

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PORTLAND, OR — In a groundbreaking move hailed by city leaders as a “compassion-centered innovation,” Portland has officially replaced its overwhelmed 911 emergency response system with a calming AI assistant programmed to repeatedly say, “That must have been scary.”

The change comes after years of public frustration over Portland’s notoriously slow—or entirely absent—911 response times. According to officials, the new system directly addresses those concerns by focusing less on “intervention” and more on “emotional processing.”

“We heard the people of Portland,” said Mayor Keith Wilson during Tuesday’s press conference. “They told us they didn’t just want help—they wanted to feel seen. This AI sees them. It doesn’t send anyone, but it absolutely sees them.”

The AI, affectionately named Empatha, is trained in soothing vocal tones, gentle chime backgrounds, and a rotating catalog of affirming phrases such as:

  • “Wow, that must have been intense.”
  • “You’re doing amazing.”
  • “That sounds really hard.”

The new 911 system will no longer dispatch police, fire, or medical personnel—services city officials have described as “outdated” and “harm-inducing.” Instead, Empatha will remain on the line to provide uninterrupted emotional validation as callers navigate their emergencies alone.

“We believe in a non-invasive, non-responsive model of public safety,” explained Public Safety Director Juno Thistle. “This is about healing, not action.”

Critics of the change say Portland residents deserve more than kind words while their homes are being burglarized or their loved ones suffer medical crises. But the mayor’s office remained firm.

“Would you rather be rescued,” asked Mayor Wilson, “or understood?”

Several callers have reportedly passed away while waiting for help, though family members described the AI’s soft voice as “weirdly peaceful” and “surprisingly comforting in their final moments.”


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Written By Tyler James

Tyler James, founder of That Oregon Life, is a true Oregon native whose love for his state runs deep. Since the inception of the blog in 2013, his unbridled passion for outdoor adventures and the natural beauty of Oregon has been the cornerstone of his work. As a father to two beautiful children, Tyler is always in pursuit of new experiences to enrich his family’s life. He curates content that not only reflects his adventures but also encourages others to set out and create precious memories in the majestic landscapes of Oregon. Tyler's vision and guidance are integral to his role as publisher and editor, shaping the blog into a source of inspiration for exploring the wonders of Oregon.

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