PORTLAND, OR — In a bold new move that critics are calling “deeply Portland” and supporters are calling “like, super healing,” city leaders have announced a sweeping initiative to phase out the word “police” entirely and replace the Portland Police Bureau with a newly branded entity: the Feelings-First Safety Network.
The plan, unanimously approved by City Council after a five-hour drum circle and consensus-building ritual, aims to “reimagine community safety through the lens of emotional resonance and restorative vibes.”
“We’re not here to enforce laws,” said newly appointed Interim Chief Empath Bob Day, formerly known as Interim Police Chief Bob Day. “We’re here to validate experiences, mediate tense energies, and if absolutely necessary, gently suggest non-binding accountability options.”
The rebranded network will replace traditional uniforms with soft linen robes in calming earth tones, while standard-issue firearms will be melted down and turned into interpretive sculptures for use in de-escalation gardens citywide. Officers—now known as Emotional Wellness Liaisons—will be equipped with essential tools like healing crystals, handmade zines on boundary-setting, and biodegradable conflict-resolution cards.
911 calls will be triaged through a new filter, assessing the emotional tone of the caller. Emergencies deemed “too intense” will be postponed until all parties have journaled their intentions and participated in a mutual vulnerability workshop.
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“We’re making safety a conversation, not a confrontation,” said mayor Keith Wilson, co-author of the 147-page initiative printed entirely on recycled protest signs. “If someone’s car is being stolen, our liaisons will arrive within 72 hours to hold space, burn sage, and affirm your right to feel upset.”
Public reaction has been mixed. One resident, who asked to remain anonymous after his bicycle was liberated by three men in ski masks, said, “They told me they weren’t ‘stealing’—they were redistributing wheels to correct centuries of transportation inequality. And honestly… they had a point.”
To support the transition, the city is launching a $14 million campaign titled “Unlearn the Badge”, which includes animated explainer videos, live theater pop-ups in local parks, and a citywide initiative encouraging residents to make their own arrest-free safety plans using finger painting.
The Feelings-First Safety Network is expected to be fully operational by next spring, pending approval from the Office of Community & Civic Life, in partnership with the Portland Bureau of Equity and Human Rights and the Mercury Retrograde Compliance Committee.
Meanwhile, traditional police officers not embracing the emotional rebrand will be offered early retirement packages or reassigned to the new Community Apology Corps, responsible for issuing retroactive apologies to citizens stopped for broken taillights between 1996 and 2021.
Someone was reportedly breaking into a downtown business at the time of this report—but don’t worry. A licensed empathy coach is already en route on a tandem bike.
