BEND, OR — Letting out a long, cathartic exhale as blood-curdling screams echoed softly through her living room speakers, 36-year-old Shannon Marks reportedly felt a wave of emotional clarity Tuesday evening after watching a Netflix documentary about a woman who was brutally murdered in the woods.
“I was literally spiraling over a weird email from my boss and the fact that Brad still hasn’t Venmo’d me for brunch,” Marks said, spooning peanut butter directly from the jar as slow-motion footage of police combing through a forest crime scene played in the background. “But then I watched Shadows in the Pines: The Carla Denton Story, and it’s like—wow. I’m doing amazing.”
According to sources close to Marks, the hourlong doc features harrowing interviews, 911 calls, and dashcam footage detailing how Carla Denton, a mother of two, was lured into the Oregon wilderness by her boyfriend and stabbed 47 times after a failed attempt to take out a life insurance policy in her name.
“Sure, I’ve got some credit card debt and my upstairs neighbor blares Travis Scott at 3 a.m., but at least I’m not in a shallow grave next to a logging road,” Marks noted, smiling softly as Carla’s grieving sister described identifying her remains by a single intact molar. “Like, I have problems—but not true crime problems.”
Sources confirmed Marks experienced an immediate 68% boost in gratitude, clarity, and emotional stability by episode three, which reenacted the chilling moment when Denton tried to run barefoot through a thicket of brambles before being dragged back by her hair.
“Perspective is so important,” said Marks, now curled up in a blanket labeled “emotional support cocoon” that she bought off Etsy during a breakup in 2021. “Sometimes you just need to watch someone else’s complete and total annihilation to feel a little more centered.”
At press time, Marks had already queued up Slaughtered in Suburbia and poured herself a second glass of wine, nodding contentedly and murmuring, “Self-care.”
