SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine.
“It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of everything. And the only place open with $6 sweatpants, expired yogurt, and reasonably priced motor oil is… Walmart.”
Witnesses say Harmon let out an audible sigh, followed by a thousand-yard stare that lasted nearly eight full minutes. Her dog reportedly barked at her twice to make sure she hadn’t died.
“I try to avoid Walmart until it’s absolutely necessary—like when we’re down to a single paper towel and the cat’s eating ramen,” she said while slowly tying her shoes like a condemned prisoner.
Sources confirmed she stood motionless in the kitchen for several minutes, debating whether she really needed deodorant, food, or to participate in society at all. "Maybe I’ll just make rice," she whispered to herself. "We have one can of beans. That’s... something."
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Eventually, the crushing weight of adult life prevailed, and Harmon grabbed her keys, muttered “God help me,” and drove to the local Walmart Supercenter. Upon arrival, she reportedly circled the parking lot three times before parking next to a shopping cart someone had lovingly abandoned in the middle of a space.
“She’s very brave,” said neighbor Denise, who watched her leave. “I only go to Walmart when I want to feel the full range of human suffering.”
At press time, Harmon had made it halfway through the store before completely dissociating in the seasonal aisle, clutching a pack of off-brand batteries and wondering if this is what Nietzsche meant by the abyss.
