EVERYWHERE, PACIFIC NORTHWEST — As summer inches closer and the scent of dry pine needles crisps in the warming breeze, Northwesterners from Bellingham to Bend are reportedly giddy with anticipation for that magical first lungful of campfire-flavored doom.
“Oh yeah, you can feel it coming,” said Portland resident Tyler Maples while re-seasoning his reusable N95 mask and spritzing it with eucalyptus oil. “The mornings are getting warmer, the birds are coughing more, and there’s just a hint of distant devastation in the air. God, I missed it.”
Locals say it’s a cherished annual tradition, akin to pumpkin spice season or allergy attacks, where the skies turn a shade of orange that says, “Your lungs are no longer welcome here.”
“I like to step outside with my morning coffee and take a deep breath of air that reminds me I’m slowly dying,” said Seattle tech worker Marissa Vega, exhaling into a thick haze. “You can’t get this kind of earthy, carbon-forward aroma anywhere else.”
Cities across the region are preparing for the occasion with smoke-themed festivals, including Spokane’s "Ash and Arts Fair" and Eugene’s “Breathless Beats,” a music festival requiring attendees to sign an asthma waiver upon entry.
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Meanwhile, Instagram influencers are already posting their favorite wildfire season fits under the hashtag #Smokecore, with captions like “Serving post-apocalyptic chic, now with extra PM2.5!”
Public health officials, while technically still obligated to issue warnings, admit it’s a lost cause.
“Frankly, people seem to like it,” said Dr. Hannah Grieves of the Oregon Air Quality Board. “They’ve started referring to the AQI like it’s a horoscope. ‘Today I’m a Level Red with a rising wheeze.’ It’s unhinged.”
At press time, local residents were seen comparing wildfire smoke to a fine wine, describing it as “bold,” “woody,” and “pairs beautifully with self-delusion.”
