SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking new report released Thursday, Oregon has officially been named the number one state in America for living in a faded, slightly moldy, sky-blue van down by the river — narrowly beating out Washington thanks to its looser parking rules and statewide acceptance of smelling like patchouli.
The ranking, issued by the North American Alternative Housing Index (NAAHI), cites Oregon’s endless supply of scenic rivers, chronic housing crisis, and “a general statewide vibe of ‘meh, do what you want’” as the primary factors for the top spot.
“This is huge for us,” said a man named Skylar, emerging shirtless from a vintage Volkswagen Type 2 van with a busted skylight and 13 stickers from long-defunct co-ops. “I’ve lived in vans in 12 states, but Oregon’s the only place where people wave at you and ask if you want to barter for elk jerky.”
Governor Tina Kotek held a press conference Thursday morning next to a mossy van parked on the banks of the Willamette, where she introduced a new slogan for the state: “Live, Laugh, Van.”
While many hailed the announcement as a win for nomadic freedom and rustic riverfront minimalism, critics pointed out that most residents aren’t choosing van life — they’re just trying to avoid paying $3,100 a month for a windowless studio in Portland that comes with a shared composting toilet.
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“It’s not homelessness, it’s a vibe,” explained state urban planning consultant Trevor Lucero, motioning toward a row of vans with cracked solar panels and half-hung hammocks. “And in Oregon, vibes are everything.”
Experts noted the trend eerily mirrors a well-documented 1990s case involving a sweat-drenched motivational speaker in khakis who screamed about personal failure before launching himself through a coffee table. While names were withheld, sources confirmed he lived in a van — down by the river.
At press time, Oregon legislators were considering a proposal to grant historic preservation status to all Volkswagen vans manufactured before 1985, provided they are currently within 50 feet of a major waterway.
