PORTLAND, OR — In what city officials have described as "just another Tuesday," former President Joe Biden was spotted casually driving an old-school ice cream truck through downtown Portland this afternoon, smiling brightly and proudly holding up an ice cream cone to passersby.
Witnesses say Biden appeared "in great spirits" as he leaned out the service window, cheerfully offering single scoops to anyone who wandered by — with no clear system for payment, receipts, or traffic laws.
“He looked right at me, held out the cone like it was the Constitution, and said, 'You want sprinkles, Jack?'” said local barista Skylar Finch, who politely declined after noticing the freezer inside the truck was partially unplugged.
Secret Service agents, still assigned to protect the former president, attempted to blend in by wearing vendor hats, before eventually giving up and forming a protective semicircle around the truck, quietly handing out Rocket Pops to maintain order.
When asked by reporters why Biden was operating an ice cream truck in one of America's most chaotic cities, a spokesperson close to the former president explained, "At this stage, he’s really just doing what makes him happiest."
Governor Tina Kotek, upon hearing the familiar jingle echoing through the streets, reportedly sprinted out of her office, waving a handful of coupons. Witnesses say Kotek ordered a SpongeBob popsicle and a Choco Taco, posing excitedly for a photo next to Biden at the truck window. "This is the leadership Oregon deserves," she declared, moments before the gumball eye on her SpongeBob treat dislodged and rolled under the truck.
Despite minor confusion and a brief incident where Biden tried to pay a parking meter in popsicle sticks, Portland residents largely took the visit in stride. "Honestly, it's the most normal thing that's happened this month," said local art student Jasper Willowtree, while eating a cartoon-themed ice cream that vaguely resembled Batman.
As of press time, Biden was last seen pulling away from the curb at about 7 miles per hour, smiling broadly, waving his cone in the air, and promising free fudge bars to "any malarkey-haters who still believe in America."
