CRATER LAKE, OR — In a shocking but increasingly routine display of aquatic fury, the legendary Crater Lake Monster emerged from the lake’s impossibly blue depths Thursday afternoon and promptly devoured an entire boat tour, later blaming the impulsive act on a group of “obnoxiously loud TikTok hikers with a ring light and no respect for boundaries.”
This marks the second emergence of the mythical beast in recent months, following a widely publicized incident in which it interrupted a sunrise paddleboard yoga session by screaming, “SILENCE YOUR VIBES.” Despite the rising frequency of attacks, park officials have yet to establish a meaningful response plan beyond “hoping it goes back to sleep.”
Witnesses say the 11:30 a.m. boat tour had just rounded Wizard Island when a 300-foot serpent-like creature erupted from the caldera’s still waters with the rage of a thousand canceled campground reservations. Without warning—and with alarming accuracy—the creature inhaled the boat, guide, life jackets, emergency granola bars, and every tourist onboard in one disturbingly wet gulp.
“I was minding my own business, sipping glacial minerals and humming sea shanties to myself, when I heard the words ‘don’t forget to like and subscribe,’” the monster said in a statement issued telepathically to all sentient beings within a 5-mile radius. “I blacked out. Next thing I know, I’ve got a boat in my throat and a man named ‘Brad’ screaming about his GoPro.”
Bystanders described the attack as “horrific, but also kind of the monster’s truth.” One tourist reported seeing the creature wipe its mouth with a floating brochure before vanishing beneath the surface with the grace of a creature who’s been secretly judging humanity for centuries.
As a precaution, park officials have announced that all boat tours and swimming activities at Crater Lake will be suspended for at least two hours. “We just want to give the water time to settle—and, frankly, the monster time to digest,” said one ranger while dragging a “No Swimming” sign into the lake with visible resignation. “We’ll reassess if he still looks... bitey.”
The boat, part of Crater Lake’s famously limited summer tours, was meant to offer one of the last chances to cruise the lake before the National Park Service ends tours entirely in 2026. That plan, however, now appears to be... fast-tracked.
“Honestly, this might save us on liability insurance,” said Park Superintendent Carla Helm, while skimming a document labeled ‘Monster-Related Incidents: Parks Edition.’ “We were planning to phase them out gently. But this is fine too.”
The group of hikers the monster blames for the massacre were unharmed—physically. Spiritually, it’s unclear. Several were reportedly seen choreographing a new dance trend titled “#LakeChompChallenge” within 10 minutes of the event. When asked for comment, one influencer—@TrailBabe420—stated, “Was that, like, staged? Or is this, like, a really immersive experience?”
The Crater Lake Monster has since returned to the depths but not before flashing what appeared to be a waterproof cardboard sign that read:
“NO MORE TOURS, NO MORE SELFIE STICKS.”
The National Park Service is now encouraging all future visitors to observe the lake from a respectful distance, keep noise levels low, and for the love of nature, stop narrating everything for content.
