BEND, OR — Brad Collins, a proud Bend transplant who moved from San Diego just 13 months ago, is reportedly really getting sick of all the Californians flooding into town like they own the place.
“Everywhere I look it’s Teslas, goldendoodles, and someone in a Patagonia vest talking loudly about ‘manifesting trailhead energy,’” said Collins, sipping a $7 lavender cold brew outside a café that used to be a hardware store. “Bend had character. Now it’s starting to feel like a Whole Foods parking lot.”
Collins, who bought a newly built $895,000 townhome last spring, says the town has lost its magic since he moved in. “When I got here, the vibe was different. You could grab an IPA without standing behind six guys in puffy jackets arguing about who discovered Smith Rock.”
Friends say Collins often reminisces about the “real Bend,” which he identifies as the two-and-a-half-month period between February and mid-May of last year, before "the invasion."
“It was perfect,” he said. “People still waved. Farmers markets had actual vegetables. And nobody was out here bragging about how long they could hold a handstand on Pilot Butte.”
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According to Collins, he came to Bend for “the slow pace, the genuine community, and the untouched nature I saw in a Jeep commercial.” He’s now actively campaigning against new housing developments—especially the one that would block the view from his brand-new rooftop hot tub.
When asked where he was originally from, Collins replied, “Technically Santa Barbara, but I just say San Diego. It sounds more relatable.”
At press time, Collins was seen honking at a Subaru with California plates, moments before realizing it was his reflection in a storefront window.
