BERLIN — In a discovery that has stunned historians and Tesla enthusiasts alike, newly uncovered Nazi archives have revealed that Adolf Hitler was, in fact, the world’s first Cybertruck owner.
The documents, found in a hidden drawer behind a portrait of Eva Braun’s schnauzer, include detailed maintenance logs, supercharger receipts, and what appears to be a crayon drawing labeled “Mein Cyber.” The logs confirm that Hitler not only owned a Tesla decades before the company was founded but insisted on calling it “Der Blitzwagen.”
“This changes everything we thought we knew,” said German historian Klaus Eisenbraun, nervously polishing his monocle. “The records indicate he was particularly fond of the Cybertruck’s bulletproof glass, which, according to these notes, still shattered when Goering sneezed too hard near it.”
According to the files, the Cybertruck — which Hitler reportedly had repainted “Panzer Gray” and modified with custom skull-shaped hubcaps — was used for everything from inspecting goose-stepping formations to Sunday joyrides through the Bavarian countryside. One entry notes a complaint that Autopilot “keeps swerving to avoid Poland.”
A newly discovered photo, which has already sent Twitter (X) into meltdown, shows Hitler standing proudly beside his Cybertruck, possibly moments before ranting about its charging speed. This image has left historians baffled, particularly because it raises the question of where exactly he planned to plug it in.
Do you love Oregon?
Sign up for monthly emails full of local travel inspiration and fun trip ideas. In each newsletter we'll share upcoming events, new things to do, hot dining spots and great travel ideas.
While some skeptics questioned the authenticity of the documents, Tesla CEO Elon Musk responded on X (formerly Twitter), saying, “Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve heard today. Also… kinda based???”
The Cybertruck itself has yet to be recovered, though rumors swirl that it’s buried somewhere beneath an Austrian ski chalet, alongside a prototype charging cable made from melted Allied medals. Restoration experts say the Tesla was likely powered by a combination of lightning, propaganda, and sheer delusion.
In perhaps the most chilling discovery, a note found inside the glovebox reads: “Zero emissions. Total domination.”
The German government has issued a statement asking the public to “remember history, not repeat it, and definitely not drive it,” while Volkswagen has scrambled to release a counter-campaign entitled, “At Least We Stuck to Beetles.”
Meanwhile, Kanye West has already announced plans to bid on the recovered Cybertruck at auction, saying, “This just confirms everything I’ve been saying.”
