PORTLAND, OR — In news that surprised absolutely no one and disappointed absolutely everyone’s grandparents, Oregon has officially been named the best state to raise a little free-range anarchist with a trust fund. The groundbreaking report, issued by the National...
PRINEVILLE, OR — In a historic move celebrated by men who still know how to change a tire, Prineville has officially declared itself the first Sanctuary City for Straight White Men in Oregon — and maybe the last safe place left west of Idaho. The resolution, passed...
U.S. — In a move hailed as “the greatest beverage innovation since Tang,” Crystal Stream announced today the release of their new limited-edition bottled water flavor, “From A Hose,” sending shockwaves of nostalgia through millions of Americans born in the 1980s. The...
PORTLAND, OR — In what health experts are calling "a medical miracle and/or a Facebook group fever dream," new parents Chad and Sage Turner of Forest Grove proudly announced that their newborn son, Braven, entered the world completely free of seed oils — a triumph...
UNITED STATES — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what drivers have long suspected: when it comes to crossing roads, 100% of deer really could give a crap less. Researchers at Oregon State University spent six months observing deer behavior on highways,...
SALEM, OR — After hackers dumped 1.3 million files from the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality onto the dark web, state officials quickly reassured the public with the kind of soothing, half-hearted optimism that has become an Oregon trademark: "Don't worry,...
U.S. — In a development no one saw coming, sources have confirmed that 12-year-old neighborhood resident Brandon Lunsford might actually go outside this weekend, sparking cautious optimism among local parents and wildlife experts alike. Brandon, best known for...
U.S. — In a move described by many as a "direct attack on poor decision-making," Jack in the Box has announced the closure of dozens of its locations across the country, sending shockwaves through the nation’s drunk and deeply hungry population. Once hailed as the...
BEND, OR — Sources confirm that 53-year-old Brian Halverson spent approximately 45 full minutes this past Saturday standing silently at the edge of his freshly mowed lawn, arms crossed and chin slightly elevated, just long enough for every neighbor within visual range...
OREGON — In yet another crushing blow to dessert lovers and economic optimism, Oregon-based creamery Tillamaybe has officially replaced its iconic 48 oz ice cream tub with what it’s calling a "micro-pint" — a portion so small it legally qualifies as a sample. The...
SALEM, OR — Concerned that the ancient, rugged art of axe throwing may be promoting toxic masculinity, Oregon Democrats have introduced a bold new bill that would ban the practice statewide and replace it with something more emotionally enriching: the Safe Space...
U.S. — In a bold new step to ensure Americans never enjoy anything ever again, candy manufacturer Mars announced that all colorful M&Ms will now be coated in a thick layer of organic kale slime following HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s sweeping ban on...