“I’m good for one more,” said 37-year-old dad of two, Brad Simmons, at precisely 10:15 PM, stunning his coworkers into silence. Witnesses at O’Malley’s Pub reported that the statement was made with the kind of reckless optimism typically reserved for people in their...
Oregon residents are in for a ruff week as meteorologists confirm that, yes, it will indeed be raining cats and dogs for the next seven days straight. With fluffy precipitation already falling in some areas, local shelters are struggling to keep up, and pet stores are...
PORTLAND, OR — Local man Brian “Snappy” Thompson has officially petitioned the Oregon Zoo to recognize his true identity as a turtle and grant him permanent residency in the reptile exhibit. “I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a turtle trapped in a human’s body,”...
A local man is struggling to comprehend reality after an unthinkable event at a fast food drive-thru last night. Jacob Thompson, 34, ordered a simple meal at a nearby McDonalds, fully expecting to engage in the traditional battle of wills over condiments. But when he...
SPRINGFIELD, OREGON—Local residents can finally breathe a sigh of relief as city officials have approved the construction of two brand-new car washes, bringing the city’s already impressive total to way too many. With this latest addition, locals will have even more...
