PORTLAND, OR — As Portland moves deeper into 2026, experts say the city has reached a critical moment: how to allow white people to continue appearing white while dramatically reducing the harm associated with it.
According to local activists, DEI consultants, and at least one neighborhood Slack moderator, the goal is no longer to eliminate whiteness outright, but to manage it responsibly — through visibility reduction, performative sacrifice, and a lifelong commitment to “doing the work.”
Here are 26 ways to be a less problematic white person while still appearing white in Portland, according to people who politely correct you and then screenshot it.
1. Apologize To A Tree
Even if the tree hasn’t said anything, it’s better to lead with accountability. Indigenous land acknowledgment preferred. Eye contact discouraged.
2. Stop Walking So Confidently
Urban planners confirm that confident walking has historically marginalized slower, more thoughtful walkers. Consider zig-zagging to show humility.
3. Replace Your Personality With A Yard Sign
Personal opinions are risky. A rotating selection of signs lets neighbors know what to think without conversation, which is the most ethical form of communication.
4. Donate Rent Money To Someone With A Better Vibe
If you have shelter, you’re already winning. Redistribution should be based on vibes, astrology, and Instagram bio language.
5. Call The Police On Yourself (Symbolically)
This demonstrates growth. No follow-up required, but you should tweet about it.
6. Learn A New Pronunciation Of “Portland” Every Week
The more confusing, the better. If locals don’t recognize it, you’re doing it right.
7. Stop Saying “Problem” And Start Saying “Lived Challenge Moment”
Words matter. Especially when they make solutions impossible.
8. Attend A Protest You Don’t Understand
Clapping at random intervals is encouraged. Chant if the person next to you starts chanting. Never ask why.
9. Pay $9 For Coffee That Tastes Like Regret
The bitterness reminds you of your privilege. Tip 45% to atone.
10. Publicly Announce You’re “Still Learning”
This absolves you of all future accountability while positioning you as morally superior to anyone who disagrees.
11. Make It A Point To Hang Out In The Black Hood More Often
Not to move there, obviously — just to demonstrate exposure, growth, and appropriate levels of discomfort.
12. Avoid Eye Contact Unless It’s Intentional
Unintentional eye contact can escalate into an incident report.
13. Clarify That You’re “Listening” Whenever You Speak
Especially when you are not listening.
14. Distance Yourself From Other White People In Public
Solidarity is important, but optics matter more.
15. Share Fundraisers You Cannot Personally Explain
Explaining implies authority.
16. Attend A Workshop About A Workshop
This shows commitment to the process, not outcomes.
17. Refer To Any Disagreement As “Harmful”
Specifics create conflict.
18. Signal That You’d Give Up Your Housing If Asked
You won’t be asked, but the willingness is what counts.
19. Use The Phrase “Do The Work” Without Defining It
Defining it would limit its power.
20. Accept That Improvement Has No End Date
Progress is infinite. So is guilt.
21. Buy A Brand New Car And Give It To Someone More Marginalized Than You
Ownership is problematic. Transportation should be redistributed based on need, not credit score.
22. Move Someone Into Your Home Who Is Here Undocumented
Housing is a human right, and spare bedrooms are a form of hoarding.
23. Explain That Laws Are More Like “Suggestions”
Especially when they conflict with your values.
24. Preface Every Opinion With “I Don’t Want To Take Up Space, But…”
Then take up considerable space.
25. Correct Strangers Online For Free
Education is labor, but your labor is a gift.
26. Accept That There Will Always Be One More Thing
And that you probably aren’t doing it yet.
City officials say following these steps won’t make you not white, but it will make you less problematic, which is the current goal. Additional guidance is expected in 2027.
