PORTLAND, OR — A Southern California tourist was escorted to the Oregon–California border Tuesday after loudly referring to the Willamette River as the “Will-Uh-Mah-Tee,” a pronunciation so catastrophically off-base that officials classified it as an “Immediate Deportation Scenario.”

The incident occurred inside a downtown Portland food hall, where the tourist — identified only as “Brad from Huntington Beach” — pointed at a mural and confidently said, “Hey babe, look, it’s the Will-Uh-Mah-Tee River!”

Witnesses described the moment as “chilling.”

“He said it like he was naming an exotic smoothie,” one local recalled, still visibly shaken. “I dropped my kombucha. It shattered everywhere. The trauma’s real.”

Within seconds, Oregon’s Linguistic Enforcement Task Force (LETF) descended on the scene wearing flannel uniforms, Tevas, and expressions of exhausted disappointment. According to official protocol, any Californian who mispronounces Willamette by more than two syllables must be “returned to point of origin for community safety.”

Brad reportedly attempted to defend himself by saying, “Well that’s how we say it in California,” which only strengthened the case for immediate expulsion.

“He doubled down,” said an LETF sergeant. “We can forgive ignorance. We cannot forgive confidence.”

Authorities wrapped Brad in a Pendleton blanket for processing before escorting him to the border in a state-issued Subaru Outback. He was released at the first rest stop south of Ashland with a pamphlet titled So You Tried Visiting Oregon: A Guide for Californians Who Aren’t Ready.

A note on the pamphlet reminds visitors:

“It’s Will-AM-it… DAMMIT.”

Witnesses say the crowd inside the food hall erupted into polite Portland applause as the door closed behind the deportation team — a soft, supportive clapping typical of the region.

Oregon officials later held a brief press conference:

“We welcome visitors of all kinds,” said a spokesperson. “But this is a sacred land. A land where we say the river correctly. We simply ask Californians to try harder. Or at least Google it once.”

State leaders say the deportation policy will remain in effect until tourists stop referring to Yachats as “Yatch-Ats,” Coos Bay as “Coz Boo,” and Willamette as whatever the hell that was.