PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling “Operation Basement Sweep,” President Trump doubled down on his commitment to locate the alleged Epstein files, personally insisting they are buried somewhere beneath Portland’s ICE facility.
The same president who just months ago dismissed the scandal as a “Democrat hoax” and “totally irrelevant” now reportedly wakes up every morning demanding updates on “the papers in the basement.” Sources close to the White House say he has begun pacing the Oval Office muttering phrases like “basement… Epstein… big discovery, huge,” and instructing generals to “check under every janitor’s mop bucket.”
“The files are there. Everyone knows it. The best people told me,” Trump told reporters before boarding Marine One. “They’ve been hiding in the ICE basement for years, and quite frankly, the Democrats don’t want you to see them. But we’re going to find them. Maybe in a cabinet, maybe behind some paint cans, maybe under the floorboards — but we’re going to look. Very strongly.”
Troops deployed to Portland have been observed hauling out filing cabinets, interrogating photocopiers, and knocking on walls to identify hollow spaces. So far, the only discoveries include three boxes of expired printer toner and a stash of unpaid parking tickets from 2007.
Critics have highlighted the irony of Trump suddenly dedicating military resources to chase after documents he recently described as “boring” and “not of interest to anybody.” Supporters, however, see the move as a sign of his legendary persistence. “If he calls something a hoax and then mobilizes the army to find it, you know he’s serious,” said one rally attendee sporting a T-shirt that read Epstein Basement 2024.
Pentagon officials remain cautious. “We can’t confirm or deny the existence of any files in the ICE basement,” one general admitted, “but we can confirm that this is the first time in history the United States military has been deployed to search for a filing cabinet.”
At press time, Trump vowed to expand the operation to “every single basement in America” until the documents are found, promising they will be “the greatest files anyone has ever seen — tremendous, historic, and frankly, very, very shiny.”
