PORTLAND, OR — After enduring what locals are calling “three straight months of Satan’s armpit,” Oregonians are now counting the days until the sun finally gives up and the state can return to its natural climate of damp misery, seasonal depression, and awkward coffee shop small talk about how “this rain just feels different.”
“This heat is exhausting,” said Portland resident Kyle Hanson while fanning himself with a New Seasons coupon flyer. “I can only post so many angry Instagram stories about 95-degree weather before it starts to feel forced. I miss being able to complain about the rain without sweating through my Patagonia fleece.”
Across the state, people are putting away their sunscreen and mentally preparing for the annual migration back to indoor hobbies like passive-aggressively scrolling Zillow, pretending to like chai lattes, and binge-watching true crime documentaries in the dark at 4:15 p.m.
In Eugene, local woman Marissa Clark admitted she’s been counting down the days until she can “wear a beanie for warmth instead of ironic fashion.” She’s already drafted her “first rain of the season” post, which features a blurry photo of wet pavement with the caption mood.
Oregon meteorologists say the shift is coming soon. “We’re entering the magical time of year when you can smell mildew in the air again,” said KATU forecaster Don Brewer. “By late September, the entire state will return to its comfort zone of passive sadness, and we’ll all act like we didn’t just spend summer begging for this exact thing.”
Still, not everyone is ready for the change. Bend resident Tyler Smith admitted he’ll miss the outdoor brewery patios and weekend paddleboarding. “But I also can’t wait for it to rain so I can use weather as my excuse for not having a social life again,” he said.
As fall approaches, coffee shops are bracing for the inevitable spike in oat milk cappuccino orders, thrift stores are stocking up on oversized sweaters, and therapists are reminding clients that yes, the gray sky does make everything feel pointless, but maybe let’s unpack your childhood anyway.
State officials have issued an advisory for Oregonians to start their vitamin D supplements now, before the clouds roll in and the sun disappears until June. “Seasonal depression isn’t going to start itself,” warned the Oregon Health Authority in a press release.
Until then, residents will continue to complain about the heat—just loud enough so the rain can hear them and come ruin everything again.
