UNITED STATES — A new report published by the International Institute of Absolutely Unnecessary Safety Measures (IIAUSM) has confirmed what many suspected but dared not say out loud: the man driving alone in his car while fully masked and gloved is, statistically, the safest human being alive in 2025.
Researchers spent over two years tracking a 38-year-old man named Brandon M., shown above heroically clutching his steering wheel in a surgical mask and blue nitrile gloves — despite being completely and utterly alone inside his locked vehicle.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Harold Trenton, lead scientist on the study. “This man has successfully avoided all forms of viral exposure, human interaction, and critical thinking for five straight years. He might live forever.”
The study found Brandon had the lowest known risk factor for every major health threat, including:
- COVID-19 and all known variants
- Flu season
- Spicy takes at family dinners
- Facial recognition software
- Eye contact
“People laugh, but I haven’t even had a sniffle since 2019,” Brandon told reporters while sanitizing his air vents with a Q-tip dipped in alcohol. “You don’t get results like that by being reckless and breathing freely.”
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His Toyota Corolla has been retrofitted with a DIY hazmat-grade air filtration system, triple-layered seat covers, and a custom rear window sticker that reads, “I Trust Science So Much I Don’t Even Trust Myself.”
Despite criticism from passersby, friends, and one very concerned Uber Eats driver, Brandon remains firm in his beliefs.
“Sure, I’m alone in the car. But air can move. You ever seen a virus? Didn’t think so.”
The report suggests that if every American had followed Brandon’s example, society would now be “50% safer but also 100% more neurotic.” Other recommendations include never touching your steering wheel directly and “just avoiding oxygen entirely, if possible.”
As for Brandon, he says he’ll remove the mask only when he feels safe — likely around the time his Corolla becomes sentient and asks for therapy.
