In a move that perfectly embodies everything you feared after the election but told yourself to “wait and see,” the people you now deeply regret voting for held an emergency meeting today—not to fix potholes, homelessness, or anything remotely useful—but to invent entirely new taxes.
The gathering, referred to internally as the “Creative Revenue Solutions Roundtable,” kicked off at 8:00 a.m. sharp in Salem and lasted roughly six hours, with zero bathroom breaks and unlimited organic pastries billed to taxpayers.
“We’ve already taxed bags, cigarettes, plastic straws, and the illusion of hope,” said Rep. Willow Fernbridge (D-Portland), flipping through a vision board labeled ‘Taxable Joys.’ “But there are still so many everyday activities people enjoy without paying for. That’s a problem.”
Among the proposed ideas discussed during the session:
- A “Sunlight Absorption Fee” for anyone caught enjoying a nice day without expressing guilt.
- A “Still Living in Oregon” Maintenance Charge — $129/month just to remain a resident.
- A “Nostalgia Tax” applied retroactively to any Facebook post that fondly remembers when you could afford groceries.
- A “Peak Pacific Northwest Surcharge” for wearing flannel while sipping kombucha in front of a fern.
Senators from both parties nodded somberly as one presenter showed a slide titled, “Monetizing the Feeling of Relief.”
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“We’re leaving money on the table,” said Sen. Bryce Mapleton (I-Eugene), proposing a $7 fee for every deep breath taken west of the Cascades. “And breathing? That’s bipartisan.”
Governor Tina Kotek issued a statement calling the session “visionary” and praised lawmakers for their ability to “think outside the taxpayer-shaped box.”
Critics, however, pointed out that Oregon already leads the nation in taxing things nobody remembers agreeing to — like the existing per-mile gas tax quietly added for drivers who thought they were beating the pump with better mileage. “It’s like a toll road for your odometer,” said one confused resident. “I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to coast downhill anymore.”
The Department of Revenue is expected to unveil a draft of these fictional-but-maybe-not tax ideas this fall, at which point residents will be invited to pretend their feedback matters.
Do you enjoy walking, breathing, or laughing without state supervision? You might already owe back taxes. Stay tuned.
